In 2012 I was exposed to minimalism for the first time. I considered myself as “pursing minimalism.” I would give myself the title of minimalist- too grand and great for me! But I aspired to it.
But 10 years later, as I sat in my home with toys strewn on floor and dishes piling up, and frankly: clutter, I couldn’t help but feel like a failure. Where did I go wrong? I read Marie Kondo, Fumio Sasaki, and more, I’d purged over 2,000 things within my 6 months of pursing minimalism… I wrote for a minimalist blog! What happened?
Maybe you have felt this way too- you’ve done the work but haven’t been able to achieve the social media perfection you were all but promised.
Well, I have good news: you’re not a failure. You are dynamic.
Dynamic means there’s always growth, change, evolution. There’s new seasons to life, new jobs, people, world events (I’m looking at you 2020), life events, attitudes, losses and gains.
IF you NEVER changed, you could probably achieve and keep you aesthetic triumph effortlessly, without the need to reassess. But you are not static, and the world around you isn’t either, so you must shift with the ebb and flow of life.
Example:
We didn’t have kids. I never had to curate a toy collection. Then we had a kid. So, it kinda caught me off guard when I became overwhelmed with toys everywhere! And I had even rejected and returned a LOT of toys we had received. Well, now we have a kid, so we have toys, so guess what? I gotta readjust.
Another:
2020 shut down our gym. My husband is energized by exercise. We purchased gym equipment. Some we used, some just gathered dust. I could mourn over mistakes. Or I could just say “Ah, lesson learned!” and move forward.
If I wasn’t dynamic, I won’t have encountered these problems. But I also wouldn’t have ALL the AMAZING things that come from a dynamic life.
So, rather than being ashamed that I need to declutter again or my life has changed and gotten messy in new ways, I decided to re-evaluate what we needed and needed to do to make our lives function simply and easily. Again. And NOT to view it as a failure. Success! My life is growing! I have opportunity to clear out the old and make way for the new! Like a tree sheds it’s leaves in winter, I’m letting old things go, and making way for the new to come. Those old things weren’t a mistake (ok, maybe a few were,) just like a tree’s new leaves each year aren’t a mistake. They were appropriate for that season. Now they aren’t. Simple!
Once I accepted the need for change without shame, I was able to see what needed to be done clearly and got to it! Now, I’m so pleased and thankful for the new flow we have and I’m not afraid to tweak it as needed!
Plus, I’m not afraid to say “yep, I got in some bad habits.” Im happy to refresh my non-consumer habits and humbly revisit some wonderful resources to learn and relearn!
Don’t be ashamed to do things over again, you dynamic being.
Due to a recent acute, but short-term illness, I’d been forced to not only take a few days off, but also to not run any errands or normal things I’d do on a day off. This post is a bit shorter, but that’s because there is something important that YOU need to have time to do at the end. We’ll get there in a minute. Back to my sick day.
I do not usually lack any kind of agenda for the day. But apart from symptoms of the illness, I actually enjoyed the complete lack of schedule. It did last long, but for the short time I was otherwise unavailable, it was enlightening.
It is very hard for me to lack an agenda for a day. It’s a disorienting and yet, refreshing moment. It makes you evaluate what you wish you could be doing, the effort it takes to do things, and the things that you would be doing if you were in a normal day. Sometimes things you would be doing aren’t what you would choose to do on a normal basis, but having that privilege withdrawn makes them more appealing.
Ahhh, you want what you can’t have.
But it does make you reevaluate your priorities, your dreams, your hopes. Even though you can’t actively pursue them in that moment.
Maybe that’s a good thing too.
You need that time to get the full picture. Time to process and fill out the edges of dreams. Ideas come and go and with time they take shape, gain focus and clarity.
Example:
A home, Id like a home.
Where?
What does it look like?
…
The furture…
A future- who is in it?
What does an everyday look like?
…
There’s music.
I’ve always wanted to make music.
What kind of instrument could I play?
When would I practice?
…
The weather is nice.
I’d like to take more walks.
Would I be taking walks if I wasn’t sick today?
What would I be doing instead?
Why are there so many things that I don’t like, that I choose to do over things I admire?
…
These are some of the thoughts that floated in my mind as I indulged my illness.
As much as I hated being ill, I found I was grateful too. I never would have stopped and evaluated my daily choices otherwise. There are things I do to relax that I neither value, nor admire. I tend to watch TV shows and view that as my “relaxation” time. I see no benefit in it. I have other options, like take a walk if the weather is nice, play an instrument if not. Refresh my home with a project, or learn a skill. Even reading a book seems more redeeming than the mindlessness of a screen. I’m sure you could think of many, many more things. All these other options are things I admire in other people, bring value to life and improve the future.
I suppose I view it like this: Imagine the currency of the world is time. You pay for services or items in minutes and hours of your life. You receive items in return for your time. It’s similar to what we do now. You donate 8 hours of your life (day) and receive vouchers (money) for items and services. Now, why would I surrender a half hour of my life for a TV show? There is no medical benefit. No skill acquisition or long lasting benefit. It doesn’t leave me happier, healthier, richer or wiser.
So, Id encourage you to set aside some time to evaluate:
What are you trading your time (your life) for?
You ARE spending it on something.
Set an appointment at a place where you can think and reflect, which may not be a quiet place, depending on your personality.
Don’t be afraid of what you may find.
Any discovery simply means you have more information, more power to decide. This is your life remember? Maybe take a step, make a small change and redeem your time, bit by bit.
I wanted to write this post as a simple how-to. But in reality, buying a home involves a lot of “It should be only 1, 2, 3. But now because of fill-in-the-blank, we have to do 1A, 2A, 2B and then C3. Maybe that’s why this post is 3 months late! Ce la vie.
With that said, I’m going to outline the Must-Do’s (stuff I think you’d be crazy to neglect) and add in on occasion the Could-Dos (things you might not need to but, if indicated, could save your buns in the long run.)
Must Do
List
Get Pre-Approved
Get a good realtor.
Get Inspections
Re-evaluate
1. The List.
Write down needs, wants, dreams and price limit. Do this early. Again: You need to do this. You wouldn’t be planning a huge dinner party and then go to the grocery store without a list. Or you wouldn’t go to the car dealership and buy without knowing what you want- so why would you make possibly the biggest purchase of you life without pinning down your needs, wants and price? Be realistic with the needs and feel free to dream with the wants. Having the price will help keep this in the realm of reality. You’ll probably do revisions which is ok, but this helps you have a place to start. Here’s an example of my list:
Needs
Safe Neighborhood
2/2
180k or less. Make sure to factor in expenses like homeowners insurance, property taxes and specialty insurance- like flood insurance.
Assessments paid (this is a non-optional 20k expense added on to mortgages in my city for connecting to city water and sewage)
Open Kitchen
Yard
Lanai
Wants
3/2
White kitchen
Tile
Outside flood zone
NO POOL
2. Pre-Approval
Basically you take a bunch of paperwork to 2-3 banks and get quotes on how much home they think you can afford. Whatever they say, you should take it down by at least a 1/3. By our calculations, we could afford 180k or less with the lifestyle we wanted. By the bank’s calculation we could afford 250k+. It took me a minute to figure out why these numbers were so different, then it hit me:
If they loan me 180k 4.5%, 30 years: I pay $118,666 (in interestalone)
But,
if they loan 250k 4.5%, 30 years: I pay $165,637 (in interestalone)
That’s a $47,000 difference. They could make $50k off me. No wonder they quoted me so high!
A LOT of money! They more they loan you, the more money they make! Almost an extra $50k for the bank… or for you. Your choice!
Also, I’d encourage you to consider budgeting to pay your home off in 15-20years, even if you get a 30y loan. You can often make additional payments to get it paid off early and save a boatload of money in interest (just double check because some places charge you a fee for paying off early!)
3. Get a good Realtor
All I’m gonna say is check with the people you like and respect to see who they used and try to test-run a few to make sure your personalities jive. It can be a long and stressful haul together and you want to feel comfortable.
Could Do: Price Inspectors. At this point, you can also get some ballpark figures from 2-3 inspectors. Just let them know the size range of home and year. Generally they can give you an idea of the cost and you can get a feel for how much time they’ll spend (or wont spend) with you once you’re a customer. We didn’t do this early and I regret it- we got good service, but some of the inspectors spent 30 minutes going over results and concerns with us right after while others spent only 5 minutes and said “It’ll be on the report.”
4. Get Inspections
Inspections ended up costing us about $5k BUT saved us about $15k- pretty significant. We did the 4-point and WindMit (I think those two are specific to hurricane zones), comprehensive home, sewage, asbestos and lead. Most things turned out fine. One did NOT.
Comprehensive/4-point/WindMit combo: Educational. We were able to go around the house with the TEAM of inspectors and see into crawl spaces, where the breaker and main water line is and what behind the fridge looks like. There were no chubby, slow, easy going Billy-Bob inspectors we met. They were fast, efficient and thorough.
Could Do: Lead and Asbestos These tests fall under the “Could-Do” list. They actually have to be sent out to a lab and can take up to 4 weeks to get results! We paid extra to get everything expedited and thank goodness so, because while there was no lead, they found asbestos in every ceiling (even the garage).… Removal and refinishing cost about $15,000 (that was the cheapest, safe options) but could’ve easily cost $20,000, since we repainted the ceilings ourselves instead of paying someone else to. Since we knew at purchase, we got the purchase price to be reduced significantly to cover costs. Not bad for a 1k test. If we hadn’t done the inspection… I shiver at the thought.
Could Do: Radon Another optional depending on your area. Here on this coast of Florida, theres not a lot of (read ANY) basements, which are a big risk factor for radon. However, newer construction homes can actually have higher levels of radon too! For us, our neighborhood was 1950s-1980s homes, all without basements, and by checking reported radon levels in the area, we found we were extremely low risk. Therefore we did not test for radon.
Area-Specific Concerns: For our area there were 3 things we had to consider that other places don’t:
A. Chinese drywall: During the early 2000’s building exploded nearby and cheap chinese drywall was imported to keep up with the housing boom. It is extremely toxic and has to be totally ripped out and replaced. Extremely expensive.
B. Polybutylene plumbing: This was used instead of copper or PVC and is known to burst and fray internally. Repiping can run $1,000+ per spigot. Ouch. Look under the sink: if its grey piping, its likely polybutylene. White is PVC, copper is, well, copper. Admittedly, you cant see whats in the wall, but checking under sinks is an easy, quick overview.
C. Assessments: Our city recently started requiring that homeowners move from well-water and sewage tanks to city water and sewage. The cost for this is about $20,000, which can be spread over fill-in-the-blank years. Not a dealbreaker, but certainly a major factor in purchase price. Our home was in one of the first areas they started requiring this, so all assessments were paid in full already.
5. Re-evaluate
Just take a breather. It is so easy to get caught up in just wanting it all to be over and be able to move on to the next phase of life. I remember! But try to picture the next 10 years in that home… Does it work? Are finances a too tight? Are your kids/family/spouse/friends safe there? Is there something that already annoys you about it? If so, is it something you can fix (tear down a non-loadbreaing wall or repaint) or something you can’t (driveway onto a busy street or long drive to work)? Consider your reality and your ideals. Will this home work with your reality and help you pursue your ideals?
I have exciting news! This past week I found a bulk store within 30min drive time of my home! Its called Ada’s and its lovely. Think of Whole Foods but smaller and somehow with a bigger bulk selection! They have grains, pastas, coffee, nuts, nut butters, granola AS WELL AS herbs and tea in their bulk section! How thrilling! Just pop to the cashiers to get your jars tared (with lids on), get your bulk, (remember the PLU,) and they calculate at the checkout.
I was absolutely ecstatic to get some bulk tea this last week, after looking for 3 months for some loose leaf tea. Im looking forward to going back soon for our staples. In the meantime, I wanted to share a few tips for those of you learning to shop in bulk. Heaven knows I read so many articles and watched so many videos before attempting this myself and now that I have a rhythm, I’d love to share. So here we go:
Bulk shopping tips
1. Only Two Sizes (with interchangeable lids)
Try to have 2 (maybe 3) types of containers for your bulk if you can. I use wide-mouth 16oz and ½ gallon Ball jars. This is a really easy, simple way to keep things streamlined.
2. Tare Once (and write in sharpie)
I’ve gotten one of each size weighed with a lid on and I simply write the tare weight on all the other jars of that same size in sharpie. That way, after the first tare, all of them are ready to grab and go straight to the bulk section. And if you want to remove the writing, it wipes off easily with a little alcohol.
This goes for bags too. I don’t really use bags except for produce or bread, and in those situations I usually don’t bother taring them. I am thinking about making some new bags of the same size (see tip 1!) out of an old sheet and wiring the tare weight on them in a pretty way or with a bright tag, but for now I just don’t sweat it. All my current bags are quite light and add almost no weight.
3. Start Small (and take pics)
Remember I said at the beginning of this article that so far I only bought tea at this new store? Well, that’s because even though I’ve bought bulk before, it was a different store in a different town and I wanted to get the lay of the land. Sure, you can dive in and set off for the store to get all your essentials sight unseen- go for it! But it’s ok to start small and just get one or two small things so that you understand the expectations and the flow. Especially if you’re new to bulk shopping or nervous about it- you want a win to encourage yourself!
Taking pictures also helps you know ahead of time what you want to (and can) buy. I like to know ahead of time if they have the legumes or grains that I like. If they don’t I can re-evaluate and plan which/how many jars I need to bring.
4. Determine Essentials
We have narrowed down what we actually like and want to eat. This helps keep “analysis paralysis” and stress at bay, as well as helping us be more intentional and creative in our meals. So instead of having kidney beans, black beans, chickpeas, lima beans, butter beans and lentils (like we used to), we just have black beans and chickpeas. It’s the most versatile combination for our meals and our favorites. For rice, we only have brown rice. This new bulk store has 4 different kinds of quinoa! But we really dont eat quinoa much. So I won’t be purchasing it. If you want to mix it up, I’d suggest trading out an item for a like item occasionally, like getting quinoa INSTEAD of brown rice, rather than in addition to.
5. Smile!
It is still weird in a lot of places for shoppers to refuse and reduce plastic consumption. So, I recommend being calm, confident and grateful with the clerks, cashiers and other shoppers you encounter. It may seem odd, but remember that humans tend to fear what they do not understand- which may include you are your jars! So just smile. It will make them feel that everything is ok and possibly even encourage them to find out more about zero- and low-waste. Also, be sure to let the store employees you encounter know how great it is that they have a bulk section/tare your containers/are helping reduce plastic. Sometimes it’s a struggle for them to figure out how to tare or calculate and they need to know that it’s you’re grateful and it’s worth the struggle! If the store starts hearing lots about how much customers like something, you can bet they’ll pay attention and make more efforts to expand on that popularity.
Please share any tips you have for bulk shopping- I’d love to hear them. Good luck in your shopping- we can do this.
After writing my article: Baby Prep: Must Have List, I wanted to specifically address the number of things that we will not be getting, since I found “Not Needed” lists almost as helpful as the “Must-have” lists.
Let me preface this with stating these are items that my husband and I deemed unnecessary for us. Your life may require something completely different! And guys, that is totally ok. We shouldn’t feel ashamed for making choices that are based on what is best for our families or situations. We’re also giving ourselves the grace to change our minds, since life is full of surprises and re-evaluation is a valuable tool. That said: list time!
Baby shoes
No. You can barely keep socks on those wigglers, why would you need shoes? If you think about shoe’s function (protecting your feet walking) it really doesn’t make sense till they’re…WALKING. Even then, they really have to be walking independently, rather than being supported by you since that usually happens in a padded or controlled environment. Unless they’re learning to walk on a gravel road? Pass these by and get something useful instead.
Short Baby Socks, Leg Warmers or Knee pads
I’m opting for long baby sock that will serve as leg warmers, knee pads, subtle pants, mittens and socks.
Baby Mittens
I’m getting some long socks and nail clippers. I don’t want this extra laundry.
Baby Headbands and Bows
These are mostly for girls but I wouldn’t get them for either sex. I don’t wear headbands generally myself since they give me headaches and I don’t really want to coordinate accessories for someone else. Less, often equals simpler for me. If we do have a girl, she can pick out her own when she’s older if she wants.
Winter clothes
We live in South Florida, so the coldest it gets here depends on your AC unit. This means we can eliminate jackets, snow pants, boots and all but one or two hats (hospital hats will work for us for the short time our newborn will need them.)
Fancy outfits
Man, I can barely keep my “fancy” clothes looking fresh and I’m a full grown adult. Why would I think a fluid machine like a babe would be able to?
Baby hangers
No outfits that can wrinkle easily will last long in our home anyway. And since I don’t plan on fancy outfits there’s two items less in one go! If you do want some outfits that should be hung, grab a few of your own hangers. They’ll work.
Car seat Cover
A blanket or swaddler will serve.
Burp cloths
I have kitchen towels, cloth napkins and swaddlers. For now, I really don’t want to have to deal with another piece of fabric to wash.
Breastfeeding cover
Guess what? A swaddler will serve! Just tie two corners, loop over your head and voila! Saved $20.
Baby food blender
Have you guys seen the Baby Bullet? I saw it and thought, “Cool, cool, I could save dough making my own baby food and cut out a ton of preservatives! But what is the difference between this and my magic bullet?” The answer? The Baby Bullet has less power. Yep. So if you have some kind of blender or food processor and you like it, utilize your current resources and pass on this.
Baby washcloths
If you have washcloths, those are fine. I doubt your baby will notice the difference.
Hooded towels
You’ve got regular towels that work from years 1 to 110. These just aren’t needed.
Side note: Guys, what is with all the extra fabric items? Noticing a trend here!
Shopping cart covers
I can either babywear, use a carseat or wipe the cart down. It just doesn’t appeal to me to have to set up a fabric cover when I got plenty of other things to occupy my time and energy.
Special baby shampoo, conditioner, body wash or lotion
Unless your baby has exhibited sensitivity, you don’t need to invest in these. I would say to go for something simple and natural but it doesn’t need to be name brand. We use Dr. Bronners unscented soap in our daily life anyway and fair trade shea butter. As for the shampoo? The soap will work for that too. Any hair shorter than 3 inches is getting moisturizing oils from the scalp anyway (how many short haired guys you know use conditioner?) Soap is good enough.
Crib and everything that goes with
We’re not getting a crib. You can see my article and rationale here. This means that we don’t need to get sheets, curtains, bumpers, blankets, crib ruffle and mobile. Talk about a money and space saver!
Changing station
When I say “Changing Station” I mean a piece of furniture dedicated only to changing a baby’s diaper on and the accoutrements. All you really need is a hard flat surface and a cover (sometimes not even that!) Floor and swaddle? Table and kitchen towel? Couch and prayer? Good enough.
Side note: I am prepping a couple “changing bags” to have stashed by where our baby will sleep and the main living area. Our place isn’t big so we could probably pass on this but I don’t want to have to search for anything further than arm’s length for those midnight changes.
Changing Mattress and covers
See above.
Diaper pail and diaper genie
We will be cloth diapering and using a large wet bag instead, which can be hung on a door handle or toted around.
Wipe warmer
I’ve read a lot of reviews on this and 9 out of 10 say its just not worth the effort, isn’t nearby when they need it or wipes just get dried out. One or two said that it was a lifesaver for midnight diaper changes. Just seems like something else to maintain to me, and we will be using cloth wipes and straight up water from the tap, so I’ll just let the water warm up if I need a warm wipe.
Humidifier/ Air filter
Again, we live in Florida so humidity is not in short supply. We also have house plants that are known air purifiers which I think is much prettier and renewable resource!
Diaper bag
We’re going to use backpack. A normal backpack. I like the idea of a backpack because it leaves us hands free and is more inherently unisex for my husband and I to share. Diaper bags can work well, but why not get a nice bag or backpack that you (or your child) could use when your child is 12 years old? Or maybe instead of a bag that clearly says “mom” on it, get one that you or your husband could use for business or travel later on.
Side note: My husband is currently in charge of getting a backpack so I have no idea what the bag will be, but I know he’ll like it, which is the main thing for me (I really don’t want to carry it!) Will update once I find out what it is.
Unitaskers
I first heard this phrase in the latter half of one of my favorite podcasts of all time, Simple Life Together and you can hear this specific episode here. These refer to any devices that only do one thing (sometimes they don’t do that one thing very well either.) Examples include the egg peeler, tomato saver, or banana slicer. In baby things these include the diaper cream applicator, baby mittens, burp cloths, etc. These items are for a specific task, short phase, and don’t transfer well to other tasks or phases. When purchasing just ask yourself a few questions: Is it worth the investment? Is there an alternative that you already have, will last longer or work better, even though it doesn’t say “baby,” “diaper” or “infant” in the product name?
Whew! Imagine how much space, time and money would be wasted if we purchased all of the above! This list of Must Not Haves could grow daily with all the products that companies come up with to sell to new and current parents. What baby purchases would you say “pass” on? Any unitaskers you guys have seen? Please comment below, I love to hear! So, instead of comparing yourself with people who have the most (HGTV), try comparing with those who have to least (think huts) to get a perspective on what is really needed for this new phase and factor in your current lifestyle for a good starting place. We can do this.
“Oh no! Do I have to buy all that stuff?” That’s what I thought when I started researching what I needed to welcome a baby into my life. The answer is a resounding NO, you don’t need to buy all that stuff. So there, take a sigh of relief and read on. After researching a bit, I found that some baby industries market on fear, guilt and hope to sell a dream… via a product:
“What if your baby won’t stop crying? Better get this baby ______ so you can sleep.”
“Do you want you baby to be smart? They will be with this developmentally stimulating _______ device.”
“Did you know ________ can cause cancer? Luckily we can give (read: sell) you this special BPA and paraphanelates-free, organic, farm fresh, holistically balanced __________.”
…And we buy. Most parents don’t welcome a child into their lives planning for that child to fail. Most desire success for their kid and want to do everything possible to ensure that success. Knowing that mindset and that many parents are entering a new world of experiences for the first time, companies can make BANK.
Lucky for you, there is (and has been) a different way all along.
My greatest comfort after seeing this deluge of “must-have” baby products came from reaching an article (I don’t remember where), that stated babies only need 4 things: something to eat, somewhere to sleep, a way to eliminate and love. Moms already have 2 out of 4: breastfeeding and love. Neither are easy, but both are free. For the bedding front, there are still people today who recall siblings that literally slept in (open) dresser drawers. Ideal? Maybe not. But hey- feel the pressure to be perfect lessen. You can do this, even if you won’t be featured in Better Homes and Gardens magazine. So with love, boob(s) and a drawer or box somewhere that means you have 3/4 things that are really necessary already available! Congratulations! The final piece: elimination. You need diapers and lots of them. Whether you use cloth, disposables or biodegradables, you need a supply or a system.
With this comforting fact in mind, heres how I approached my “Must Have” list.
Qualifiers
Gender neutral colors (grey, white, black, cream). We decided on this because 1) we wanted items that could be reused for multiple children. 2) I love the aesthetics of few, calm colors and I didn’t want having kids to mean that our now peaceful and somewhat minimal home turned into the aftermath of a Willy Wonka Rave (but hey, maybe you’re into that: power to you.) If an item wasn’t available in a gender neutral color, I chose blue. I’m a girl. I like blue. My husband also likes blue. He’s a boy. So there. If you like pink/green/brown/purple, maybe use that.
Minimal-Multifunctional, meaning I wanted things that could perform multiple functions and didn’t leave a lot of choices. This was so I could go on auto-pilot if I only had 2 functioning brain cells till I recovered and WANTED to try new things.
Long-term planning. If you’re having a shower/gender reveal/gift giving occasion, then register for items that you will need in the next few years, not just the next few months. You don’t get a shower at every milestone, but you still need clothes and tools as they grow! Use this time where people WANT to bless you and give you things to prepare for the next couple years.
Now, let’s get to my favorite part: lists!
For simplicity I listed what I believe is a “Must Have” and then added an optional section for items I believe will make my life with a newborn the best possible. Excluding diapers, the “Must Have” section is less than 15 things. You really can go über minimal. I’ll also be posting an article of Our Must Not Have List, that expands on the subject of excess baby items so stay tuned!
Clothes
3-4 short sleeve onsieis/bodysuits* AND 3-4 long-sleeve bodysuits*
Minimal/Multifunctional: Simple colors and patterns. These have the crisscross necks that expand to fit over the head. Kimono style that button open on the side and ones that zip all the way down to the toe are great options too (no trying to finagle a sleepy baby head out of a fabric tube). I opted out of these because while they were hard to find, they seem wonderful. I also found this big pack that has five size 0-3 mo, five size 3-6mo, and five 6-12mo. Because I chose VERY little variety in color or pattern they work for groceries store, church, home, outings or wherever. And the only choice in I have to make in “outfits” is: long or short sleeve?
Minimal/Multifunctional: I got 3-4 packs because firstly, I HATE having different brands and styles of socks and second, I like to buy socks all at once for a year+ so they all match (one less choice to make on 3 hours of sleep.) These replace 3 items: short baby socks, baby leg warmers and baby pants. In emergency I could also use these on arms, say, if all my long sleeve ones were dirty, or as a replacement for mittens (which I heard rarely stay on.) Side tip: Because baby socks are so small they actually can get “eaten” or stuck in your dryer! I grabbed a mesh laundry bag we had lying around and hung it on the laundry basket so it’s easy to toss them in there. Side note: I went a bit off course here because these were so stinking cute. Does baby care? Nope. But it’s an easy way to brighten my day with something that has to be done anyway.
Minimal/Multifunctional: Only two, maybe 3. I don’t want to have to wonder where/how many/etc. It is a replacement for a blanket while baby is too young to have one and some can swaddle as well.
Minimal/Multifunctional: I went heavy on the numbers here because they have so many uses. Swaddling, nursing cover (tie two consecutive corners and wear it like a huge necklace), changing pad, blanket, teether (isn’t everything a teether for a phase?), stroller cover, comfort/snuggler, towel, burp cloth, fluids barrier on beds, floors, clothes, PEOPLE (sorry uncle Joe.) Side tip: I chose Aden and Anis brand because they’re widely known, highly rated and seem to keep their value pretty well (if you sell to a consignment store when you don’t need them, you may get a better price for brand name.) With that said, there are some great swaddles made by tiny companies.
Minimal/Multifunctional: A little different than the long sleeve bodysuits because these are for the 12-18mo age. I am planning on them LIVING in these until the age of 3 years. Don’t we all wish we could live in pajamas? It eliminates a lot of shirts and pants, and the matching of those items, which is nice. Home days, sleep, groceries store, errands, grandparents house, play dates. They’re easy, cute, mobile. Good enough for me.
Be ready to whip ’em out if you’re breastfeeding. Why make life hard? Plus, yo boobies be changing size during pregnancy and daily during breastfeeding so you gotta get some different sizes to cope with that anyway. Get some easy, inexpensive ones.
Maternity Dresses*
Eh, preference. But like with the bras, your body changes a lot so you may have to get some different clothes anyway.
Bathing
Side tip: You don’t want to bathe baby till the umbilical stump falls off in a week-ish, so just do good ol’ sponge bath/spot cleaning as you see fit till then.
Minimal/Multifunctional: its small, easy to care for and store, inexpensive and works in sinks, tubs, showers. It could work from birth until whatever age you feel appropriate. There are A TON of other bathing devices and based on other people’s feedback they seemed too bulky, short lived, made the baby cold, or hard to care for.
2-3 Wash cloths*
No, don’t buy “baby” ones. Do you have any? Those will work. They’re just to scrub the babe (gently) and help keep them warm while bathing.
1Soap
Minimal/Multifunctional: Something unscented and gentle. We use (diluted) Dr. Bronners Castile unscented since we have it already and use it for a ton of other things (house cleaning, dishes, face wash, hand soap, body wash, etc.)
OPTIONAL bathing
1 Pouring device (Like a cup or something to rinse the kid with)
Minimal: A cup? yea. The Skip Hop Moby Bath Tear Free Waterfall Rinser? Not really. I am considering this because so many people have said it works phenomenally well to keep water off kids’ faces. We had a child in our home that screamed BLOODY MURDER about getting water on his face while bathing, so for me, this may be a trauma purchase : )
Sleep
Oh how I struggled over this! Bassinet, Moses basket, baby box, baby rocker, crib, cosleeper and a million options of each kind! With a queen bed and a 6’4 hubby, cosleeping doesn’t really appeal. Small apartment? Yep. Also, I don’t want to have to trek to another room in the middle of the night. What could I get that would grow with them, be easy to store, safe to sleep in, travel well, etc!? Do your research and decide for yourself. For me, this was one of the hardest choices and ended up being one of the most expensive items we got. With that said, I’m pretty happy with the safety, longevity and quality we decided on.
Minimal/Multifunctional: I chose the Lotus Travel Crib and Portable Baby Playard. You can use this from newborn to toddlerhood, which is why it’s the only item I put in my “required” sleeping list. It’s gender neutral, super light for a pack and play (11lb), folds up small and easily into a backpack. Great for bed, travel, home, visiting, beach, and can be used newborn to toddlerhood. Side tip: A lot of pack and plays have crossbars at the bottom that make it pretty uneven to sleep in, so do your research before buying. The one we chose is designed to be a comfortable sleeping alternative.
One gets dirty, you have a backup. These are high rated and waterproof. Side tip: Put both covers on the mattress. Then when you have a messy midnight change, you just whip the old one off and have a new one already in place.
OPTIONAL sleep
An auto rocker or bouncer or swing*
Minimal/Multifunctional: It’s in the optional section for a reason. But I’m considering something smaller than the Pack and Play that I can easily move room to room or set baby in for visits grandparents, etc. This is a 3 in 1. It’s a bassinet that lays flat for bedtime, sits half up for napping or soothing during the day (I picture being able to get dressed and put on makeup…If I want), and sits all the way up for stimulation/interaction when you can’t/don’t want to hold them (Hands free? Joy!)
Diapering
We have never had a baby before so we wanted to be green sensitive and cost-effective, but also realistic for our new phase of life, so we decided on biodegradables for the first month or so, when they’re going through a ton of diapers, and then phasing in cloth as the frequency decreases and we get used to our new normal. Side Note: For those of you open to something a bit outside of the average north american comfort zone: Elimination Communication. I’m still doing research on this but I am pretty excited about the possibility of a child being potty trained at a year or two old. I’ll keep you posted on updates with this
If disposable diapering:
Stats: 900 diapers for newborn to 3 months (avg is 10/day) and 630 diapers for 3-6 months (avg is 7/day). Holy moley.
Minimal/Multifunctional: All are the same, with the same inserts (no choices to make) and should last me till potty trained. I got mine (25 Bumgenius AIOs) off Craigslist for $150 with inserts. I’m wondering if that’s too many, but it was a bulk sale and I can simply not use some if so. I’m not going to even pretend to know much about cloth diapering. I got the basic info and rely on those savvy moms and dads out there for expertise. Side note: Have a few disposables ready for emergencies and mental health. We’re shooting for 300 disposables/biodegradables total (1 month worth.) We’re going with one brand, 2 sizes (newborn and 0-3mo), biodegradable disposables for a month or less then switching to cloth.
I chose a set because I wanted at least two. One large for at home and one medium for travel baby bag. The set I got is inexpensive, high related and comes in a 3 pack. I’m thinking I’ll use the smallest one for either a bottle when my husband takes ‘em out, liquids like balms, or wet swimsuits as they get older (remember, plan for the future!)
We are new at this and want any advantage possible. When I heard there were biodegradable inserts that meant less poop scraping and spraying, I was hooked. This pack is high rated and $25 for 400.
A lot of people go without or use coconut oil: I love that! Just be careful if you’re using cloth diapers because coconut oils can degrade or damage the materials. I chose Earth Mama Organic Diaper Balm because its high-rated, pretty natural and works with cloth diapers.
Feeding
Boob(s): Got ’em? Great! Natural or modified, they’ll work. Everything else is optional.
OPTIONAL feeding
Formula
I’m hoping to breastfeed, but I’ve heard of so many women that by choice or not, utilize formula. All I can say is: Awesome! Formula is great. Breastfeeding is great. Feeding your baby is great! This can be tricky because while its good to have some on hand, you can’t be sure whether or not your child will exhibit sensitivity, so I’d recommend having 2-3 different cans available. Then you can try different ones if you feel your child is sensitive. Please make sure to donate or pass along the formulas that don’t work well for you to another parent.
Breastfeeding Education
Not a “thing” per se, but if you’re planning of breastfeeding, it can change your life in those first few weeks. I’d recommend the Milkology course because breastfeeding is NOT easy! Natural? Yes. Easy? No!
You could definitely just use a pillow you have around the house too. I haven’t done a lot of research yet, but I would love to learn more about natural breastfeeding positions, that eliminate the “need” for a breastfeeding pillow. Please comment below if you have some good resources! I did purchase a My BreastFriend Deluxe at a thrift store for $8. Sweet!
Most of the time insurance will partially or fully cover these! I needed one because I intended to return to work. The one I wanted (and my insurance covers) is the Medela Instyle. You can also rent from hospitals as well, so do your research if you’re on the fence.
Minimal/Multifunctional: You can pop these on one boob while the baby feeds on the other and catch the dribbles or use as a manual pump. I even read one post where a woman puts hers on at night and has almost a full bottle of milk by morning! I may have to investigate the safety and spillage factors there, but worth a look. Some women actually prefer the manual pumps to the electric as well.
This seems to really come down to parent/child preference. I’m planning on breastfeeding but also using some Dr. Brown’s I got for free because you never know how breastfeeding will work out and eventually I’ll be going back to work. Plus, I want my hubby to be able to bond with baby (and let me sleep) by feeding ‘em occasionally.
Minimal/Multifunctional: I consider these minimal because they allow you to do less laundry (instead of changing your double-bullseye shirt stains, you just pop a new pair of these in when the leaking threatens.) I suppose you could also use them to wash your face after you stop breastfeeding.
Preference. You may just want to wait and see how you do breastfeeding and sometimes the hospital will give these to you. They’re really helpful for inverted nipples. Example product of my personal battle between “Be Prepared!” and “Live with less!”
Preference. Some mamas suggest rubbing breast milk on your nipples and letting it dry. I’m going to get some Earth Mama Angel Baby on hand because cracked nipples scare the heck outta me!
Independent Feeding Supplies
Remember, we’re planning for the next years, not the next month- capitalize on the gift-giving spirit for long term blessings!
2 silicone bibs: for mealtime, these can go in the clothes or dishwasher.
4 drool bibs*: love these Bibdanas. You can also DIY, which is what I did.
A high chair*: think light, stable and portable. I wanted one that could travel easy and be used at restaurants or other houses.
2 Utensils: Aren’t thesecute? But they’re also light for traveling and double as toys.
1 Bowel: I’ve never used thisbut I really don’t like cleaning spilled food, so I’m betting on the silicone suction for some help on that. Since its made of stainless steel it should last through play sessions, drum solos, floor falls, and years.
2 sippy cups/sports thermos: I chose Hydroflask because come in multiple sizes, are stainless steel for long use, exchange-able tops from sippy to sports. My husband and I also each have a big one and LOVE how they keep things cold or hot for a long time! If they don’t get lost, they will last many years. Remember, try to plan for more than the next few months with registry gifts!
I’m opting for both, but I think you could easily do one or the other. I love the idea of wrapping with something very light since Florida is HOT y’all! So I’m debating between either the Happy Wrap or Vlokup Baby Wrap (8-35lb.) My husband feels wrapping is a little too hippy dippy, so for carrier we decided on the Infantino Flip 4-in-1 Convertible Carrier (8-32lb.)
All mentioned above have great reviews, work for a broad weight/age range, in a variety of settings and are neutral colors.
My recommendation is if you can, buy one that grows with your child. Its long-term savings and less plastic. This one has great reviews and fits 5-100lbs depending on positioning. You can buy new, or if you buy used, make sure you check the expiration date (yes, car seats do expire due to degrading in the heat of the car.)
Honestly, I’m waffling on this because I hope to be baby-wearing. I only see this being useful for walks, but I LOVE walks in the neighborhood and we have a lot of paved paths where we live. I encourage you to really evaluate your situation and see if its even worth your money, time and effort.
Minimal/Multifunctional: We’re looking at the Summer Infant 3D Lite because its high rated, not crazy expensive, 16lb (we live on 2nd floor), fair sun shade (Florida y’all), good maneuverability, folds up family small for travel and weight limit is 50lb so it should last us a few years.
Ya need it, don’t wait till a late night with an upset baby to get it. Tympanic (ear) and temporal (forehand) temps are not always accurate in newborns and the gold standard for pediatricians is rectal.
Minimal/Multifunctional: The one listed is small, works for oral, axillary (armpit) and rectal (yes, it’s fine, just clean with alcohol.)
Bulb or hose, it’s up to you. Babies breathe exclusively through their nose initially so it is important to be able to clear the airway quickly and effectively. We opted for the NoseFrieda Snot Sucker for better sanitary and efficacy reasons.
Worth the “just in case” for us. I want to prep for not NEEDING to leave the house for weeks after birth if I can.
Teether necklace
I opted for three necklaces actually, 1 silicone adult, 1 amber adult and 1 amber child. My rationale for the adult ones is for the babe to have something to grab and chew on when we’re holding ‘em other than my hair, clothes or my husband’s chest hair (ouch!) and to have one ready for when the babe starts experiencing teething pains. There’s some beautiful adult amber necklaces and a great gift pack with a child amber and adult silicone necklace.
From the general consensus it’s a godsend after birth and I’ve been wanting to try a bidet anyway, so it works out perfect. You can either go with a little travel on (like this one) or invest in a stationary one (like this). I will say I’ve been eyeballing the permanent one for everyday use and to help with cloth diaper cleaning.
Belly binder
I’m totally new to this, but I love the idea and there’s a lot of testimonials out there. The idea is that binding helps your uterus return to its normal size more quickly and can help with cramping and splinting c-section incisions. Debating trying the Bengkung binder from an etsy shop. There’s also some Velcro options that look temptingly easy on Amazon that I’d love to compare. We shall see!
OPTIONAL Toys
No, you didn’t miss the “mandatory” section for this topic- there isn’t one! Babies are experiencing a whole new world and really don’t “need” any specific toys. I remember my sister telling me that even with all the gifts their first child got, her favorite was a wooden kitchen spoon. Really? Yep. So in reality, this whole section is optional, and really based on Amazon reviews. I’d also say the current trend in eco-conscientious communities is towards toys that inspire the child to actively play, imagine and create (think blocks, tools, scarfs, etc,) rather than observe passively (think batteries, sounds, shows.)
Black and white books
They’re mesmerizing to babies with two I bookmarked: the animal book and the bug book. Magic peace and quiet… really more for me than them.
Story books*
Pick ones YOU enjoy. You’ll be reading them a lot throughout pregnancy and childhood. I still recall Paul Goble books on Native American legends and stories from my childhood with love and warmth, as well as now appreciating the gorgeous illustrations. I also found this awesome Some Bugs book that appeal to any active imagination- fun illustrations from a bug’s view! I’m also planning on reading my own chapter books out loud. I enjoy them and I figure it’s more about the voice for an infant anyway.
Great for teethers, biodegradable, last forever and don’t look garish in your living room! Maybe you have someone in your family who could DIY them? If not, how about these?
What are the * and ** through the article?
The asterisks denote items that you can find second-hand. Some easier “*” and some harder “**” Thrift, consignment, garage sales items: PLEASE DO! You can get amazing deals on some of these things. I remember being shocked and a little overwhelmed the first time I walked into a specialty kids consignment store by the vast selection of baby, maternity and kids items (and honey, I grew up getting all my “new” clothes from Goodwill.) Just clean or wash items and save that dough! Also, keep in mind the stores you like, because chances are you‘ll be back there in the next few years toting in your used items for a quote.
*You can get GREAT deals on these items used! It’s a great way to save lots of money and also save the environment.
**These are a little harder to find good quality or prices but certainly do-able if you keep your eyes peeled.
All in all, your life, baby, and family can be very different from the next person’s and that’s totally ok. While I tried to make this list as short and useful as possible, I can’t help but write from my perspective. Really consider your situation and make adjustments as needed without feeling guilty for having “too much” (oh that’s not minimalist) or having “too little” (don’t you value your baby?) Do what is best for your family and your situation- it is yours after all. We can do this.
My husband and I are planning on moving to a new home (our first house) in the near future. A lot of the homes in the area we like are from the 1960’s, which means small(er) bedrooms. I was a bit nervous about that since our current bedroom is quite large with a big attached bathroom. Can we do it? Will we feel crammed? Claustrophobic? So as an experiment, we moved into our much smaller second bedroom. I mean fully moved in- everything out of the master bedroom and attached bathroom: bed, clothes, lights, toothbrushes, everything!
And the verdict is:
It’s been awesome.
I wish I had known ages ago how great this switch is. It’s really made our bedroom a sleep and relaxation room, instead of a high traffic area because there’s no room for anything else. Now it’s quiet and dark, uncluttered (most of the time), instead of a bright, busy, transient, transitional space.
We have made the master bedroom into an office, easily convertible into a guest room. It’s got our computers, a “desk” (read a table we use as a desk), a few projects in process, and two twin beds used as couches now, but are pushed together for a “king” bed when we have a guest.
Benefits for Us
Single Use Room: Seem like a downer right? But really, it’s a blessing because the (lack of) space makes our bedroom specific by necessity. There’s not room for it to be a laundry room, exercise room, or study room with all the random books, papers, clothes to be folded, etc. It’s simply a sleep and relaxation room.
Dark: A small space is so much easier to make dark and cozy! We have big windows in the master bedroom but the second bedroom only has one and with only a small blackout curtain, it’s a dream! I’ve gotten much better sleep since we moved there.
Naturally Minimal Wardrobe: We haven’t had big wardrobes for a while, but now we don’t have room for it in the smaller closet so its more effortlessly minimal. Visually, the closet looks complete. Meaning its not crammed, but its at its ideal capacity. I don’t look at it and think “gosh, looks really bare, maybe I need more dress shirts.” (Yes, even now, I still get these reflex thoughts. See how deeply ingrained the consumer mindset is?) Our closet looks just right: complete and finished.
Climate Control: Since it is a small space, it’s easy to get it the right temperature. Closing the door warms it up and a single fan can cool it off well.
Guest Room/Office: I was dead-set against having a multi-purpose room for our guest bedroom. I thought for sure it would become a storage room- yikes! But now, after almost 2 years of being in our home and ONE guest for two days, I see the advantage of using the space. Now I still vow it will not be a storage space, but I’m open to it being an office & project room. *Note: Remember how I mentioned those big windows in the master bedroom? I love light for productivity so this bright room is perfect for paying bills, writing, studying, planning, or work.
Benefits for Guests
Personal Space: Guests need their own space, no matter how friendly you are or how social they are. As the host, our house is how we want it- we couldn’t be more comfortable! We’re home! But guests are not, so it is important for guests to feel like they have their own escape-space to be alone, stretch out and relax.
Productivity Space: We don’t plan on moving the desk anytime we have a guest, so that leaves them a horizontal space to sit and spread out their stuff, do uninterrupted work, reading, planning, etc.
Private Bathroom: Our master bedroom has its own attached bathroom which is a lot nicer for guests if they need to find a bathroom in the middle of the night in their jammies or first thing in the AM when they’re not up to interacting with people yet.
It’s a Win-Win
I wish we had done this when we first moved in, but I’m grateful for the lesson. Looking back, I guess we just did what everyone else did without ever thinking about why or evaluating our lifestyle and our space. As we look towards our next home, I definitely want to move into the smaller bedroom. For us: it’s better in every way!
I’m so curious- is there anyone out there who has done this too? How would this work with kids? I’d love to hear from you!
Guys have you seen these legless chairs? I’ve seen them called tatami chairs, zaisu chairs and kotazu chairs.
There’s a few reasons I really love the idea of these:
Store-abilty. A fair number either fold up or stack easily, which makes them easy to move or put away when not in use.
Low profile. These are short, so the room looks much bigger and more spacious than with western style chairs.
Kid friendliness. This makes it super easy for dining, living, playing with kids. They don’t need highchairs or even to be strapped in much as they do with western style chairs. Unless the child is very young, they can “fall out/off” these with no problems! This also makes playing on the floor with them a lot more comfortable.
I looked these up on Amazon and they ranged from $40-140. Waaaaaaay out of my budget. So I decided to try and DIY them. Here’s the finished result:
Final pieces
I started with a couple thrift chairs. I wanted high, slope-backed, chairs with a big seat portion so that I could lean back comfortably and had plenty of room to cross my legs and anchor the chair so I didn’t flip back everytime I leaned back. I also wanted something kind of spindly, with little wood so it would be lightweight and visually take up less space.
I really wanted to pick up a broken or discarded chair off the side of the road or craigslist, but to no avail. I did get pretty lucky and scored some for $5 each at a thrift shop.
Before
I then proceeded to saw the legs off, trying to keep everything even with a level and sharpie to draw guidelines. I did this for all three chairs I had.
Sawed off legs
Next, I was going to sandpaper the “legs” but I forgot and only bought the white spray paint. I used these two kinds, first the krylon primer + paint (accidentally got rid of can before photos), then topped with the Rusto-leom. I was a bit unsure about the High Gloss but I’m glad I did, I love the fresh brightness (plus high gloss is easier to wipe clean!) I used the whole krylon can and about 1 ½ of the Rusto-leom
I did a couple coats on the tops and close to the base and decided to let them dry before using my last can to get the bits I missed.
Day 1
The next day I did a last going over and hit any areas that were brown or didn’t have the high gloss shine. The final product:
For now I’m using our trunk on wheels as a table, though maybe a fold up table will be a future DIY. All in all, the entire project was about $28. They really are surprisingly comfortable (according to my husband) and I love how it lets light through to the rest of the room.They’re easy to stack, easy to move, and I’m sitting in one now, writing this post. Success. Plus, it was fun!
Ahhhhhhh, the Holiday Season. Ideally its family, memories, hope, warmth, and rest. Reality is often quite different. Excess things, busy-ness, chaos, discontentment, anxiety, credit card debt and stress.
Why?
I believe there are many good things that have been twisted ever so slightly to make them appear the same, but function completely differently. Christmas is one such. It is a good thing to give to those you love- but not when it causes debt. It is a good thing to share a meal with family- but not when you arrive at the table exhausted and drained (if you can get there at all.) It is great to be with those you love- but not when they bring only pain and fear into your life. In the midst of pursuing the “perfect” holiday, we’ve sacrificed our time, peace, money, family and joy. But we can reclaim it.
1. Imagine
This season I challenge you (as I challenge myself) to imagine the holiday as you wish it to be. Get a very clear picture… smells, sounds, words, people, schedules, events, things.
2. Compare
Next, compare what you picture with reality. Hold the images side by side in your mind. What is most likely to happen? If you didn’t step in, how would it naturally flow?
3. Choose
Finally, pursue the best course you have available. Not the “perfect” course- as long as you have imperfect people involved (everybody raise your hand) then you will not have a perfect plan or a perfect Christmas. Family will disappoint. Budgets won’t stretch. Food will burn. But you can compare your expectations with reality and pursue the best course.
Now, if you’re still not satisfied with the vision you have ,the choices available or simply not sure how to make it a reality. I have a few suggestions below. I also want to link you to an article I wrote on Minimalist Celebrations that you might also find helpful in reconstructing your idea of “celebration.” Now, let’s get to the practical:
Picture Less
Think about how you would celebrate if you lived in a hut. Yep, a hut, third-world country style. Its extreme, but I think it takes so much pressure off and brings to mind what really matters.
Gift Limits
Set a gift limit. A really extreme one. The model I love is a version of the Gift of 4: 1 Gift You Want, 1 Gift You Need, 1 Gift To Do and 1 Gift For We. The first two are self-explanatory, but the 1 Gift To Do is a gift that allows them to express creativity, explore skills or enjoy time. The 1 Gift For We is a family item, such as a board game, family event or group activity. This helps promote the sense of “us” not “me” and remind us and our family that we are a part of something bigger and joy multiplies when it’s shared. Now 4 may be too many for your family, or maybe too few. Be willing to explore new possibilities- what suits you may not suit others and that’s ok! Just set reasonable limitations to lessen stress and multiply enjoyment.
What if there were no gifts?
Try a viewpoint shift. Try to make the emphasis of the holidays on time, people and events, not on things. A great way to gauge this would be to ask: if there were not gifts would there still be celebration? Begin able to say yes to that question means you’ve moved far from things based to experience based celebration.
More Days, More Ways!
The holidays are more than just one day! Try to plan a simple way to make the holidays about the whole season and make the most of a magical time of year. Focus on time, make gifts the afterthought. And don’t worry- it doesn’t have to be elaborate dinners or special trips. It can be something as simple and low-effort. Another way to look at it would be: make special events out of things you would normally do anyway.
Ideas:
Bake and/or decorate Christmas cookies
Make ornaments
Decorate the house together (play Christmas music!)
Set up and decorate the tree together
Advent calendar
Read the Christmas story or special holiday story books
Pick 3 or 4 of your family’s favorite holiday movies to watch each Saturday in December leading up to Christmas
Drive to see Christmas lights
Going caroling
Volunteer at a soup kitchen or outreach center
Pick out a holiday song and work together to make up dance moves (This is pretty fun and festive because you never know when or where you may hear the song!)
Key Ingredient: Giving (to those in need)
Make one of the big events giving to those in need. Talk about it, plan it together, look forward to it and be excited about it! It should be a main event, as big as (if not bigger than) the gifts you receive. You know you’re there when there’s a sense of “It’s not Christmas without giving to those in need!”
Who taught us that the Holidays are about things? About excess? Is it still Christmas if you budget is $2 or $200? Yes, it is. I’d love to hear the ways you celebrate with less too! Please comment below and share! Let me end this by saying: A Christmas with less is not a lesser Christmas. Whether there are lots of gifts under the tree, or no gifts, does NOT define the quality of your life, family, love or future. The first Christmas is a pretty good example of that. Let’s try to live our lives like we believe it.
I ascribe to minimalism. Not to say I live in a mausoleum, bare of any decor or any colors except black or white. But I do try to live with fewer things. I want fewer things and I try to value time and experiences over things. This being said, my family has different viewpoints. They sometimes directly relate increased number or quality of material possessions with ability and opportunity. That is ok, and in many ways I very much enjoy how different we are. However, sometimes it causes friction and even hurt on both sides.
Here I do my best to try and share my strategy to help you bridge the gap and protect that valuable relationship you have with your loved ones. Here’s the meat:
Realize your expectations and be realistic. So much hurt can result from unclear expectations. FIRST: consider YOUR expectations (trust me- you have them.) A great way for me to do this is explain out loud how I think an evening or event will go and compare it with previous experiences or what you know of the people or place. It’s so helpful when I can do this with my husband because he’s great at spotting where my expectations may not match reality of our logistics or guests. Often I have to re-evaluate and re-adjust my vision, which makes everyone a lot happier and more at ease.
Communicate expectations. Make it very clear what you want and need from your family in specific situations. Try to be realistic and be prepared to make compromises.
Explain the rationale. As best you can, explain your heart behind your actions. Maybe your family loves buying your children things. Explain that it’s not that you want to limit their generosity- what a admirable characteristic to have! But that you them to express that wonderful generosity differently, by helping you teach your children what really matters: relationships and experiences. Maybe try asking them to express their generosity in a new way, like via events or quality time. Be prepared to offer practical advice and ideas, in addition to the sentiment.
For example, my family is very generous and love giving gifts. I love and admire that about them. However, I don’t need very many clothes, and so on gift giving occasions I may ask for one or two items of clothing (communicate expectations) and know that I may receive double that (realize expectations.) In this situation, I respect them by expressing my appreciation for the time and energy they put into looking for an item they thought I would enjoy. I am very fortunate that in my situation, they show respect for me by including receipts so I can return items that don’t quite suit me or my situation. If they ask me about if I will keep a piece or not, I usually let them know which piece and (explain) why.
This can be such a difficult subject for many families because gift-giving really exposes a lot of emotions. In America, the land of abundance and capitalism, things are translated as value. Value means love. Therefore, things = love. So, many people feel when you reject an item you are actually rejecting their love. The thought is “I give you a thing, I give you love. You reject my thing, you reject my love.” This fundamental equation, of things = love, is being questioned by minimalists and plays a major role in a communication breakdown between minimalists and nonminimalists. Understanding this can help you to bridge the gap and explain that not wanting an item doesn’t mean you don’t value another person, their personhood or their contribution to the family. Sometimes it means helping explain a new equation: time = love. Sometimes it means accepting the thing. You may have different views, but that doesn’t mean one view is always right, especially when it comes to something as subjective as “feeling” loved or respected.
Remember that you love and value these people and relationships, sometimes you adjust for the people you love, just like they adjust for you. This doesn’t mean you give up, but that you adjust.
I realize there is a fine line here and it may vary from family to family. The best advice I can give is to express appreciation for the sentiment behind the gesture and remember that you are in charge of your life. You give appreciation (out of love and respect) and they accept your decisions (out of love and respect.) Balance. We can do this.
