This post is a simple flow plan I used to consider if, when, and how to add children to our family.
My husband and I decided that having a baby was something we wanted to do in our lifetime. Once we decided on that it was all down to logistics in my mind. We had something we needed to do, thus, we had to figure out how to get it done. And no, I don’t mean the birds and the bees. I meant we needed to figure out the logical steps and parameters for fulfilling this goal. It’s not a very romantic way to decide to have a baby, but it is what it is. I like logical.
Initially I looked at timeline based on our relationship. I love my husband, he is my best friend. I had to decide if I wanted to share him, and also place the strain of caring for and raising another human on our relationship. After discussion, prayer and advice, we decided we felt we were a strong team and would tackle this challenge together. We decided that we would do a lot of prep, get counsel and set rules as we entered this new phase of life to make our relationship a priority. We have seen a lot of weird marriages and many fall apart after kids left the house, so we also decided that our personal priorities would be God, spouse, children, family, and work, in that order. Our goal was never to choose child over spouse. It was important to us to know each other’s priorities going in. It may sound odd, but it’s what we chose.
- Are you strong in your relationship together? Best friends?
- Are you ok sharing your spouse and your time with another human? Do you work well together?
Timeline based on fertility and health concerns was another factor. I knew that for women, pregnancies in your 30s were broadly considered “higher-risk.” For men, age does’t play as big a factor, medically speaking. Since we were both in our late twenties, the ideal time would be soon. That isn’t to say if you’re in your 30s or 40s you’ve missed it- No way! It’s just a factor to be aware of. Not better or worse, just different. But once I have a goal I like to research the heck out of it and then get it done. So, let’s get a baby done.
- Are you both reasonably healthy? (Meaning, can one of you be a caregiver for a while as the other goes though the challenges of pregnancy, birth and recovery?)
- Get advice from your MD on your health and risk factors. Consider your family history too. (Miscarriages in the family? Possibility of twins? Congenital diseases? Rh factor, if it is not first pregnancy?)
Next, I considered our financial timeline. I must admit my husband and father-in-law really crunched the numbers. In this process please remember to consider both the future you want (and probably picture) and compare it CLOSELY to what you can afford. I imagine it like those “spot the differences” pictures you look at as a child. Often they are quite different. Don’t let that discourage you. Just try to see reality for this step. We decided that though I would need to continue working part-time, it was do-able within the next year and we could continue saving money (albeit, much less.)
- Can you afford a baby? There’s a lot of great calculators out there for free if you don’t know where to start. We used BabyCenter since we really didn’t know a lot of the details initially.)
- Can you afford delivery? I actually called the health insurance I would have when I delivered (remember, nine months is a long time and may go into the next year!) and asked them a lot of questions about delivery, normal costs, costs if and I/the baby/both had to stay in the hospital longer and if they covered a breast pump (and which one!) I also checked the hospital’s website to see if they carried that pump!
- Can you live in the reality of what your life will look like? (Not what you wish it would be.)
Lastly, we needed to decide if we had the lifestyle that allowed it realistically. We were both out of school (praise the Lord!) and had few hobbies. We were both working full-time, but in America, that means 40 hours a week and with all our modern conveniences, we really had a fair amount of free time. Having a baby meant that there would be no more spontaneous trips, nights spend in TV murder mystery marathons or going out wherever and whenever we wanted- we were going to have a baby to take care of and plan around. Lots of big lifestyle changes for us. If we both continued full time, we would need to schedule out where the baby would be, with who, and when. Ideally, one of us would move to a part-time, but we planned for that and for the possibility both continuing full-time. My husband works 6 days a week but has flexible hours and could take a child to his workplace occasionally. My work does not allow for a child present and is 12+ hours a day, but only 3 days a week. Based on that, we decided on 3 of my days off I would care for the child, the other 3 days he would, and we would consider daycare for the additional day. Overlapping time would fall to both of us. We had to plan our work time and our home time now. Let me camp out here for a minute to emphasize that it is REALLY important to talk with your spouse about division of labor in specifics. In my life, most conflict and disappointment can be traced directly to unmet expectations- whether they were spoken or not. (Anyone else have unmet expectations about who is doing the dishes?) It was a little shocking when my husband really contemplated that he would be left completely alone with a baby for 13 hours a day.
- Are you both honestly prepared to share new and sometimes really gross duties? A good gauge of this would be to ask- “Could you fill-in-the-blank* right now if you needed to?” If the answer is no, that’s ok, but you need to either: appoint specific time to learn how or trade tasks with your spouse for something else. (*change a diaper/clean spit-up/bottle feed/suck out snot/put to sleep/wipe butts/make a snack/spend a day with/take a rectal temperature.)
- Who is better at what? If you haven’t already split chores in the house, make a list and pick the ones that your enjoy most, then divide evenly the ones that neither of you want.
Once you’ve sorted out these parameters you really have a clear path. Be aware this process may bring out conflicting assumptions and expectations between you and your spouse. Even within yourself. As a consequence of evaluating our finance and lifestyle parameters, I found that being able to stay home was more important to me than a house with our own yard. That was a tough moment, comparing my wants (and pictured future) with reality. But it was freeing too. I could stop wondering what we might cut to afford it, how we could earn more, haggle a price down and wonder how much was really our financial limit if this or if that. I had a hard number, few choices, less “what ifs” and more peace.
Additionally: talk about what your biggest fears and worries are. Turns out your both probably excited and freaked out at the same time. My husband is absolutely amazing and he was actually worried about being a bad dad! I was really surprised because he is so much more patient and wise than I am, so I thought he would be serenely confident. But since we had this conversation, I understood him better and was able to encourage and support him and he did the same for me.
I was also able to let go of some guilt I had about wanting to stay home. I decided to ask my husband without reservation or pressure whether he would like to be the one to stay home if we had the option. I was sure he’d say yes. I badly wanted to stay home if at all possible- in my mind: who wouldn’t?! But he explained to me that although he really looked forward to children, No way, would he like to be a stay-at-home dad. He even admitted to feeling some guilt for not wanting to! Ha! So here’s me wanting to stay home, but feeling bad for it, and him, wanting to keep working, and feeling bad for it! Goodness, I’m glad we cleared that up.
Best of luck as you consider your future- it is full of possibilities! We can do this.
Thanks for visiting!