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Baby Prep: Should we have a baby?

This post is a simple flow plan I used to consider if, when, and how to add children to our family.

My husband and I decided that having a baby was something we wanted to do in our lifetime. Once we decided on that it was all down to logistics in my mind. We had something we needed to do, thus, we had to figure out how to get it done. And no, I don’t mean the birds and the bees. I meant we needed to figure out the logical steps and parameters for fulfilling this goal. It’s not a very romantic way to decide to have a baby, but it is what it is. I like logical.

Initially I looked at timeline based on our relationship. I love my husband, he is my best friend. I had to decide if I wanted to share him, and also place the strain of caring for and raising another human on our relationship. After discussion, prayer and advice, we decided we felt we were a strong team and would tackle this challenge together. We decided that we would do a lot of prep, get counsel and set rules as we entered this new phase of life to make our relationship a priority. We have seen a lot of weird marriages and many fall apart after kids left the house, so we also decided that our personal priorities would be God, spouse, children, family, and work, in that order. Our goal was never to choose child over spouse. It was important to us to know each other’s priorities going in. It may sound odd, but it’s what we chose.

  1. Are you strong in your relationship together? Best friends?
  2. Are you ok sharing your spouse and your time with another human? Do you work well together?

 

Timeline based on fertility and health concerns was another factor. I knew that for women, pregnancies in your 30s were broadly considered “higher-risk.” For men, age does’t play as big a factor, medically speaking. Since we were both in our late twenties, the ideal time would be soon. That isn’t to say if you’re in your 30s or 40s you’ve missed it- No way! It’s just a factor to be aware of. Not better or worse, just different. But once I have a goal I like to research the heck out of it and then get it done. So, let’s get a baby done.

  1. Are you both reasonably healthy? (Meaning, can one of you be a caregiver for a while as the other goes though the challenges of pregnancy, birth and recovery?)
  2. Get advice from your MD on your health and risk factors. Consider your family history too. (Miscarriages in the family? Possibility of twins? Congenital diseases? Rh factor, if it is not first pregnancy?)

 

Next, I considered our financial timeline. I must admit my husband and father-in-law really crunched the numbers. In this process please remember to consider both the future you want (and probably picture) and compare it CLOSELY to what you can afford. I imagine it like those “spot the differences” pictures you look at as a child. Often they are quite different. Don’t let that discourage you. Just try to see reality for this step. We decided that though I would need to continue working part-time, it was do-able within the next year and we could continue saving money (albeit, much less.)

  1. Can you afford a baby? There’s a lot of great calculators out there for free if you don’t know where to start. We used BabyCenter since we really didn’t know a lot of the details initially.)
  2. Can you afford delivery? I actually called the health insurance I would have when I delivered (remember, nine months is a long time and may go into the next year!) and asked them a lot of questions about delivery, normal costs, costs  if and I/the baby/both had to stay in the hospital longer and if they covered a breast pump (and which one!) I also checked the hospital’s website to see if they carried that pump!
  3. Can you live in the reality of what your life will look like? (Not what you wish it would be.)

 

Lastly, we needed to decide if we had the lifestyle that allowed it realistically. We were both out of school (praise the Lord!) and had few hobbies. We were both working full-time, but in America, that means 40 hours a week and with all our modern conveniences, we really had a fair amount of free time.  Having a baby meant that there would be no more spontaneous trips, nights spend in TV murder mystery marathons or going out wherever and whenever we wanted- we were going to have a baby to take care of and plan around. Lots of big lifestyle changes for us. If we both continued full time, we would need to schedule out where the baby would be, with who, and when. Ideally, one of us would move to a part-time, but we planned for that and for the possibility both continuing full-time. My husband works 6 days a week but has flexible hours and could take a child to his workplace occasionally. My work does not allow for a child present and  is 12+ hours a day, but only 3 days a week. Based on that, we decided on 3 of my days off I would care for the child, the other 3 days he would, and we would consider daycare for the additional day. Overlapping time would fall to both of us. We had to plan our work time and our home time now. Let me camp out here for a minute to emphasize that it is REALLY important to talk with your spouse about division of labor in specifics. In my life, most conflict and disappointment can be traced directly to unmet expectations- whether they were spoken or not. (Anyone else have unmet expectations about who is doing the dishes?) It was a little shocking when my husband really contemplated that he would be left completely alone with a baby for 13 hours a day.

  1. Are you both honestly prepared to share new and sometimes really gross duties? A good gauge of this would be to ask- “Could you fill-in-the-blank* right now if you needed to?” If the answer is no, that’s ok, but you need to either: appoint specific time to learn how or trade tasks with your spouse for something else. (*change a diaper/clean spit-up/bottle feed/suck out snot/put to sleep/wipe butts/make a snack/spend a day with/take a rectal temperature.)
  2. Who is better at what? If you haven’t already split chores in the house, make a list and pick the ones that your enjoy most, then divide evenly the ones that neither of you want.

Once you’ve sorted out these parameters you really have a clear path. Be aware this process may bring out conflicting assumptions and expectations between you and your spouse. Even within yourself. As a consequence of evaluating our finance and lifestyle parameters, I found that being able to stay home was more important to me than a house with our own yard. That was a tough moment, comparing my wants (and pictured future) with reality. But it was freeing too. I could stop wondering what we might cut to afford it, how we could earn more, haggle a price down and wonder how much was really our financial limit if this or if that. I had a hard number, few choices, less “what ifs” and more peace.

 

Additionally: talk about what your biggest fears and worries are. Turns out your both probably excited and freaked out at the same time. My husband is absolutely amazing and he was actually worried about being a bad dad! I was really surprised because he is so much more patient and wise than I am, so I thought he would be serenely confident. But since we had this conversation, I understood him better and was able to encourage and support him and he did the same for me.

I was also able to let go of some guilt I had about wanting to stay home. I decided to ask my husband without reservation or pressure whether he would like to be the one to stay home if we had the option. I was sure he’d say yes. I badly wanted to stay home if at all possible- in my mind: who wouldn’t?! But he explained to me that although he really looked forward to children, No way, would he like to be a stay-at-home dad. He even admitted to feeling some guilt for not wanting to! Ha! So here’s me wanting to stay home, but feeling bad for it, and him, wanting to keep working, and feeling bad for it! Goodness, I’m glad we cleared that up.

 

Best of luck as you consider your future- it is full of possibilities! We can do this.

 

Thanks for visiting!

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Book Review: Goodbye Things by Fumio Sasaki

Guys, I think I found the best book on minimalism ever. No, this is not a sponsored post and yes, I am serious.

The book is called Goodbye Things: The New Japanese Minimalism. This is the book that I am recommending to anyone who wants to learn more about or get started in minimalism. The author writes from the perspective of a completely normal and quite average person. Not excessively anything. Not amazingly this or that. Just a guy who figured out how to live with less in genuine contentment.

Fumio’s writing comes off as an ordinary man who has had a life changing epiphany and just wants to catch up with you over coffee. He casually offers to help you do it too, if you like. It’s an absolute delight to read.

The book has sections on the theory of minimalism and practical steps on how to go about it. Both sections are refreshing and I found the practical tips achievable and clear. The book also features beautiful pictures from his apartment both before and after, his transformation. While the theory and mindset are clearly explained, Fumio Sasaki’s approach is more based in realism and logical facts than other books in the minimalism genre, which tend to come off more philosophical or feelings-based.

It would be maximalist to go on about this book review (which I could probably do) so I will simply leave it there and recommend you look into this book. The book is available for purchase in print, ebook and audiobook for all your reading preferences or check your local library! We can do this.

Thanks for visiting!

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Minimalist Distractions

What removing reveals

As I’ve removed many, many physical things from my immediate environment, I’ve found that a lot of worry, excuses and fear have been pulled away too. Not all though. And, as the make-doer that I am, I’ve found plenty of other things to occupy my time. Sometimes removing things brings peace and calm. I feel that when I walk into our less-is-more apartment after a long day at work. Often it removes distractions. Sometimes it removes distractions that you’ve been hiding behind. I found it so for me. With far fewer things to distract me from unsettling issues, worry or guilt, I became uncomfortable. I started using media like movies, TV shows or books to occupy my newfound time and “take my mind” off those unsettling thoughts. All this I did totally “minimally” since my distractions were self contained on my smartphone- no clutter! When I felt stress or pressured I would simply decide I needed some “me time” to recharge and refresh. But then later, the worries were still there and I simply had less time to handle them. Then when the movie, book or show was over, those uncomfortable feelings I was running away from reared their ugly heads again. What I was really doing was self-medicating for anxiety and stress. I see that now, but at the time I just thought I was so clever for making time for relaxation by removing stuff! Ah, sometimes the lies you tell yourself are hard to recognize.

Freedom in knowledge

I feel a bit sad and embarrassed to admit this all, but I also feel freer too. Now I know what I was doing. I understand it. Having that knowledge means I can tackle it! Yes! I’ve named the monster, now I can fight it. I am an adult (despite evidence to the contrary) and I have the tools to handle most of the issues causing these feelings and overcome them. Knowing that gives me hope and motivation. Do I like feeling this way? No! Can I change it? Yes. Now I just have to do it. I like logical. Often it makes things simple.

Moving Forward

So let me ask you: Why do you distract yourself? What triggers the need to “chill?” Do you feel uncomfortable? Unsettled? Unhappy? Why? Is there anything you can do to solve the problems causing those feelings? Not a bandaid to cover it, but a surgery to fix it. If so, why haven’t you done that yet? Find that and maybe you’ll find the next step you need to take in your minimalism journey. We can do this.

Thanks for visiting!

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Minimalist Celebrations

How to Celebrate as a Minimalist

What do our celebrations reveal?

How we chose to mark important events such as holidays, milestones and celebrations, says a lot about us. How we don’t celebrate says a lot as well. In my childhood, we celebrated such things as are common in the USA. Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and the like. I knew things were important because they the occasion was marked with a few common ingredients: special food, gifts, and family gathered. That’s how I learned to recognize big events as a child. Sometimes we would dress nice as well, like Christmas church service, but later around the tree we were all in our old pajamas and that was very special too. It seems cliché to say, but its true that I remember very few gifts or even meals. I remember rather, being squished in the car with the people I adored on a snowy, cold night. I remember the smell of peppermint and pine, anticipating singing by candlelight with the people I loved. I remember laughing hysterically and thinking how clever and fun my siblings were. I remember pushing each other to be the first to walk up to the scary house on Halloween and feeling safe, even though we acted scared.
These are the things I want to bring to others in my life.

Empty boxes

What I do remember of unwrapping gifts is, similar to what I feel today unwrapping gifts. As a child (and until quite recently) unwrapping gifts was a short sense of excitement, surprise, and occasionally disappointment. Followed by a sense of emptiness after taking stock and finding the things that seemed so important and promising a few days ago, now felt like just more things… absorbed into the mass of already accumulated “stuff” in my home. The only difference is now, I also feel profoundly grateful that the people I love have taken time to find something they thought would delight, benefit or inspire me. How kind of them to spend their time, thoughts or money on me. Wow, that is so humbling. Maybe you remember special feelings from occasions like this too? That feeling is so much sweeter then the gift.

Underlying beliefs

As a child, I understood gift giving as one of the few ways to show love on holidays, if not the most important. And I understood that more expensive gifts somehow meant more. Or so I thought. I knew that the cards we made didn’t have monetary value, so I viewed them as kind of “failure gifts.” My parents didn’t teach us that at all, but I’d never seen these items, such as handmade cards, valued in any other context but as a gift form child to parent, so I assumed it wasn’t “real” if adults didn’t do it too. I wonder if I had felt differently if I had seen adults I respected and loved (outside my parents) giving each other homemade cards
I remember being profoundly confused as a child about my mum. She never asked for much of ANYTHING on occasions when it was expected to give to her gifts. It boggled my child’s mind that on a day where she could get so much stuff she didn’t use it! Now as an adult I can see that any “gifts” from your children are often paid for by you, and not really “free” like they are as a child. But at the time I could name 5 things (at least) on the drop of the hat that I’d love to have, and wish lists on birthdays or Christmas were staggeringly long and expensive. Most often she’d ask for nothing, but if we felt we had to get her something she would ask for some kind of tree, shrub or flowers, planted somewhere near the house. I remember the Sugar Maple trees she asked for. The trees, yes, but more specifically I remember everyone working together to dig the hole, move the 10+ foot tree together, stand it straight, put the soil back and water it, spraying each other as well. It was an afternoon cut out to do something together. It wasn’t forced. We just wanted to be together, doing something side by side. Every time I looked at that lovely Sugar Maple after, I recalled that afternoon, refreshed by the memory. Anytime I see any Sugar Maple really… it was never about the tree anyway.

Turning Point

I recount these memories for two reasons. First, because its beautiful to relive them. Second, because I want to pull the goodness out, the things that made those moments great, and make that the ingredients for celebrating as an adult. As I’d made an effort to live with a more minimalist mindset and removed a lot of things from my life, I have had so much more space and time. That space, physically and mentally, has lead me to consider how I want to live. Now that there’s so much more space, I consider how I want to rebuild and fill it. The things I want to add. No, I don’t mean more stuff. Does that make sense? Like when you see a big empty space you cant help but imagine what it could be? Could have? Could do? That’s how I feel about my life now. Not forced to add, but able to do so as little or as much and exactly what I want, unhindered by price, situation or availability. Because the things I want to add aren’t really things.
I want to curate the way I celebrate. I want to create every opportunity for the important things to be given center stage. What I want to be the main event is: intentional time with family. So I’ve begun to curate celebrations that make that the main event. The most anticipated and valued part of the celebration.

How to change

address reality next. Spend time on this step, it matters

1. Be excited about “it” Figure our what that special ingredient is and verbalize the value. Tell others that it is the most important part and what you look forward to most.  For me, “it” is the time with family. I tell everyone that what I really look forward most of all is being together.

2. Plan everything around “it” It’s the main event. Give it the prime time, center stage. Giving “things” used to be the main event for me- the one ingredient that made it a real celebration. Now its the time set aside to be together. I have other things we do together to celebrate on special occasions, but I try to make sure the climax is the time together.

3. Make “it” special. Intentional, remember? Spend time, thought and effort on it. Put things in perspective. Giving things are a way to express love, but not the only way. Giving words, time, money, skills, and opportunities are too. Don’t make “things” the only thing to give. So don’t make “things”, the only thing you ask for either.

I am imperfect and still figuring out how to make this real in my life. Please share ways that you and your family have done this because I would LOVE to learn more about how to do this practically. We can do this.

Thanks for visiting!

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Shopping as a Minimalist ​

So, I love minimalism. But I also enjoy shopping. *WORLDS COLLIDE* Well, that’s what most people think anyway. But for me, I maintain a “live with less” lifestyle and still love to pop by stores.

I do this by adopting a stance I haven’t really seen or heard of anywhere else. The approach I take is one of appreciation. I like going out to different stores and almost viewing them like an art gallery. There are such lovely things that have taken time and resources to make. That is something to consider and admire. This doesn’t mean that I need to take them home.A great quote I heard the other day was “Appreciate without the need to possess.” Things can be lovely, I can enjoy them for a moment, and life can move on. I think this approach makes a little more sense from the aspect of second hand stores, because they have such a broad range of items and origins. But if you have a particular store that you love the designs in, that would make sense too! As I mentioned, I love secondhand stores, but I also love Anthropologie. Anthropologie is what I would consider a higher end store here in the states with whimsical and feminine designs. Think vintage fairytales with humor. I love going in to admire the creative energy and adorable items, but I rarely purchase. Just like visiting a museum, gallery or garden, it is enough to view, appreciate and have enriched my day with something lovely. No need to buy.

Now, depending on your tendencies, your strengths and weaknesses or where you are on your minimalist journey, this may not be a positive habit. For some people, this may lead to acquiring a lot of stuff you don’t need! If that’s you, its ok not to shop as well. You don’t have to “prove” your minimalist grit by doing something that isn’t fun or good for you. It’s great that we are all different, lets not try to make everyone the exact same.

All that to say: if you’re a minimalist, you can still enjoy shopping, just spin it as appreciation and don’t feel the need to buy. On the other hand, if you’re a minimalist and shopping is your kryptonite, then don’t! That’s ok too. We can all do this thing called minimalism very well and very different at the same time.

Thanks for visiting!

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Living with a Nonminimalist

 

If you’re living with someone who doesn’t ascribe to a minimalist lifestyle, don’t despair! There are plenty of folks in this same situation, coexisting peacefully. Is it tough sometimes? Yep. And, no, its not ideal. But c’est la vie.  Here are 2 key points to keep in mind and some bonus tips! Lets get practical.

1. You can’t change someone else.

Classic psychology, eh? But its true, and generally people resent being forced into anything. (Imagine if they tried to make you a maximalist?) Not everyone has to be a minimalist. WOW. It may seem strange, especially if you’ve reached the point where you feel that minimalism is a great way to live. But everyone has a different way of going about things. If your loved one comes to a realization that minimalism is the best method for them- awesome! But remember that you had to reach a particular point in your life before exploring it, and maybe they do too.

2. You can (casually) display a different way.

Just do your thing. Seeing a simpler way (when its not being pushed down your throat) can really appeal. For example, after seeing how little I pack for trips, my husband was intrigued and started asking me for packing advice. Of course I was delighted! And all it took was packing my bag. Another small example is my bedside table. I keep it pretty minimal. Over the past few years my husband’s bedside has also become more and more minimal.
Bonus Tips
Enjoy your own journey instead of stressing over someone else.
I will admit that I did not exercise as much self control as I should have when I first started learning about minimalism. Guys, its so exciting, you just want to share all of the new and fascinating information! Its ok if you did this too. Just try to be cognizant that your roomie may be a little freaked out by what might seem like a radical way of living. I have an advantage in having a great husband who is always open to learning. He is also very patient as I’ve explored minimalism and talked out my personal developments and journey. Maybe that helps too though, because it makes it more about what I’m learning and growing in and less about lecturing or nagging him to do the same. Give them time.
Use minimalism to their advantage.
Example: I offered to go through my husbands receipts. They build up a bunch and he hates sorting through them. I put together a system of a couple different jars for him to make it easier. Eventually we stopped saving any receipts except work expenses, but he felt grateful and was open to more change after he saw minimalism working for him. Find a painful clutter area and offer to fix it (then use minimalism.)
When they ask, offer alternatives.
Maybe you don’t need fill-in-the-blank. If they express frustration with something, offer to help with a minimalist alternative. One of the best choices (and most tentative) was getting rid of our printer. It was a pain for us to go out and get the cartridges at the last minute and though we used it multiple times a year, it really wasn’t often enough to justify the space it took up and the cost of the cartridges ($70 each! Crazy!) I knew it was a big stress for both of us, so I presented him with an alternative idea: printing at Staples. It was scary to get rid of at first, but now I can’t imagine why we kept it so long. Staples, Office Max, Office Depot or any print shop can do the job easily and its now cents to dollars a year instead of double or even triple digits per year for those little ink cartridges.
Offer your benefits.
I found a great toothbrush that utilized reusable batteries, was electric, very small, easy to travel with and the stand doubled as a case. Since I was getting one for myself I casually offered to order my husband one too. I explained the benefits and he liked. Now we both have one and I have gotten rid of our old brushes, travel cases, and chargers. Ha!
In another situation, I started using shampoo bars for easy travel and less plastic. When he expressed interest, of course I offered to let him to use them anytime. Now I’ll be ordering more, but in peppermint since he likes the scent. No more ugly plastic bottles!
Now you have some great tips and tricks under your belt, have at it! Enjoy your journey and respect others. We can do this.
Thanks for visiting!
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Minimalist Mindset

So how do you start practicing minimalism? Well, its actually pretty simple. Maybe not easy, but simple.

1. Desire change
2. Vision/Priorities
3. Declutter
4. Maintain

Desire Change. If you are satisfied with your current schedule, organization, home life and routines, then maybe minimalism isn’t for you. Its simple, but not necessarily easy. If however, you are desiring change in one or more of these areas- read on.

Vision. There must be something that has lead you to this article and past point one. What is it? Do you feel over committed and under equipped? Do you have an image of a quiet evening in your uncluttered and peaceful home? Maybe its a week that doesn’t have you dashing from one activity or project to the next? Or perhaps its a sense of calm that you’ve gotten a taste of and want permanently. You will need a clear vision of why. Minimalism is as much about what you have as it is about what you do not. Its not easy to simplify and if you live in America, our commercialism culture will be working against you. Have a distinct image or feeling you want to instill into your surroundings. A great way to start cultivating this vision is to write down your ideal priorities in order. Jot it down on some paper, not fancy, this is just for you. This ideal may not be your current reality, but helps you to understand your goal. Ideal priorities are things you want to pour your time, money, heart or effort into. They are usually the reasons that motivate you. Remember this is the Ideal exercise and we will address reality next. Spend time on this step, it matters

Declutter. This means physical and mental decluttering. Minimalism is also about removing all the things that do not add value to your life. These “things” can be people, events, commitments, habits and yes, physical stuff. Look at your Vision and Ideal Priorities page. Now, elsewhere, mentally or on another sheet, write out your reality. Those things that are taking most of your time, money, effort or heart. How different are your Ideal and Reality? Now is the time to start cutting things out. Start with whatever seems most satisfying or has been bothering you the most. Seeing meaningful results will energize you to keep going! This could be that junk drawer that’s driving you nuts or an extra activity that you have known for a while you need to cut. Most things in America can be substituted for, borrowed, or bought again fairly inexpensively. But probably… you won’t even need it. If you’re really worried, you can put it in a box for a month or so. Just set a time limit on how long your going to let that stuff hang around without paying rent. If, by the end of a month or 3 months, you haven’t used it? Send it off, and reclaim your space and time form its possession.

Maintain. In the USA, I don’t know of any holidays that celebrate the removal of things. There are plenty of holidays that focus on giving and receiving, but none that talk about removing old, evaluating our possessions or the like. Think for a moment how many days in a year directly cause the intake of things into your home. Offhand I can think of birthdays, for me and my family, St. Patrick’s day corned beef and green memorabilia, Valentines, Mother’s or Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Halloween, not to mention Christmas and Black Friday…all of them bring memories of purchasing. There are even normal days where I get a free bag from work, or a trinket from vacation, or … you name it.
In the UK, there is Boxing Day. Boxing Day is a holiday a few days after Christmas, set aside to removing old things to make way for the new. That’s still just one day, pitted against a year of acquiring things. That is why we have to be intentional on stemming the flow of “stuff” into our homes. But don’t be discouraged. You can do it. Think how much more you know even with just a little effort reading an article! You are smart. You can recognize uninvited things coming into you home and stop them, or decide at any point to remove them. Remember the vision you’re pursuing. Maintain.

Sometimes these steps feel almost cyclic as you make progress on your journey or adjust to new challenges. That’s how it is for me, and I greet each cycle with excitement at a new phase of life and new opportunities (most of the time.) We can do this.
Thanks for visiting!
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