In 2012 I was exposed to minimalism for the first time. I considered myself as “pursing minimalism.” I would give myself the title of minimalist- too grand and great for me! But I aspired to it.
But 10 years later, as I sat in my home with toys strewn on floor and dishes piling up, and frankly: clutter, I couldn’t help but feel like a failure. Where did I go wrong? I read Marie Kondo, Fumio Sasaki, and more, I’d purged over 2,000 things within my 6 months of pursing minimalism… I wrote for a minimalist blog! What happened?
Maybe you have felt this way too- you’ve done the work but haven’t been able to achieve the social media perfection you were all but promised.
Well, I have good news: you’re not a failure. You are dynamic.
Dynamic means there’s always growth, change, evolution. There’s new seasons to life, new jobs, people, world events (I’m looking at you 2020), life events, attitudes, losses and gains.
IF you NEVER changed, you could probably achieve and keep you aesthetic triumph effortlessly, without the need to reassess. But you are not static, and the world around you isn’t either, so you must shift with the ebb and flow of life.
Example:
We didn’t have kids. I never had to curate a toy collection. Then we had a kid. So, it kinda caught me off guard when I became overwhelmed with toys everywhere! And I had even rejected and returned a LOT of toys we had received. Well, now we have a kid, so we have toys, so guess what? I gotta readjust.
Another:
2020 shut down our gym. My husband is energized by exercise. We purchased gym equipment. Some we used, some just gathered dust. I could mourn over mistakes. Or I could just say “Ah, lesson learned!” and move forward.
If I wasn’t dynamic, I won’t have encountered these problems. But I also wouldn’t have ALL the AMAZING things that come from a dynamic life.
So, rather than being ashamed that I need to declutter again or my life has changed and gotten messy in new ways, I decided to re-evaluate what we needed and needed to do to make our lives function simply and easily. Again. And NOT to view it as a failure. Success! My life is growing! I have opportunity to clear out the old and make way for the new! Like a tree sheds it’s leaves in winter, I’m letting old things go, and making way for the new to come. Those old things weren’t a mistake (ok, maybe a few were,) just like a tree’s new leaves each year aren’t a mistake. They were appropriate for that season. Now they aren’t. Simple!
Once I accepted the need for change without shame, I was able to see what needed to be done clearly and got to it! Now, I’m so pleased and thankful for the new flow we have and I’m not afraid to tweak it as needed!
Plus, I’m not afraid to say “yep, I got in some bad habits.” Im happy to refresh my non-consumer habits and humbly revisit some wonderful resources to learn and relearn!
Don’t be ashamed to do things over again, you dynamic being.
Due to a recent acute, but short-term illness, I’d been forced to not only take a few days off, but also to not run any errands or normal things I’d do on a day off. This post is a bit shorter, but that’s because there is something important that YOU need to have time to do at the end. We’ll get there in a minute. Back to my sick day.
I do not usually lack any kind of agenda for the day. But apart from symptoms of the illness, I actually enjoyed the complete lack of schedule. It did last long, but for the short time I was otherwise unavailable, it was enlightening.
It is very hard for me to lack an agenda for a day. It’s a disorienting and yet, refreshing moment. It makes you evaluate what you wish you could be doing, the effort it takes to do things, and the things that you would be doing if you were in a normal day. Sometimes things you would be doing aren’t what you would choose to do on a normal basis, but having that privilege withdrawn makes them more appealing.
Ahhh, you want what you can’t have.
But it does make you reevaluate your priorities, your dreams, your hopes. Even though you can’t actively pursue them in that moment.
Maybe that’s a good thing too.
You need that time to get the full picture. Time to process and fill out the edges of dreams. Ideas come and go and with time they take shape, gain focus and clarity.
Example:
A home, Id like a home.
Where?
What does it look like?
…
The furture…
A future- who is in it?
What does an everyday look like?
…
There’s music.
I’ve always wanted to make music.
What kind of instrument could I play?
When would I practice?
…
The weather is nice.
I’d like to take more walks.
Would I be taking walks if I wasn’t sick today?
What would I be doing instead?
Why are there so many things that I don’t like, that I choose to do over things I admire?
…
These are some of the thoughts that floated in my mind as I indulged my illness.
As much as I hated being ill, I found I was grateful too. I never would have stopped and evaluated my daily choices otherwise. There are things I do to relax that I neither value, nor admire. I tend to watch TV shows and view that as my “relaxation” time. I see no benefit in it. I have other options, like take a walk if the weather is nice, play an instrument if not. Refresh my home with a project, or learn a skill. Even reading a book seems more redeeming than the mindlessness of a screen. I’m sure you could think of many, many more things. All these other options are things I admire in other people, bring value to life and improve the future.
I suppose I view it like this: Imagine the currency of the world is time. You pay for services or items in minutes and hours of your life. You receive items in return for your time. It’s similar to what we do now. You donate 8 hours of your life (day) and receive vouchers (money) for items and services. Now, why would I surrender a half hour of my life for a TV show? There is no medical benefit. No skill acquisition or long lasting benefit. It doesn’t leave me happier, healthier, richer or wiser.
So, Id encourage you to set aside some time to evaluate:
What are you trading your time (your life) for?
You ARE spending it on something.
Set an appointment at a place where you can think and reflect, which may not be a quiet place, depending on your personality.
Don’t be afraid of what you may find.
Any discovery simply means you have more information, more power to decide. This is your life remember? Maybe take a step, make a small change and redeem your time, bit by bit.
I wanted to write this post as a simple how-to. But in reality, buying a home involves a lot of “It should be only 1, 2, 3. But now because of fill-in-the-blank, we have to do 1A, 2A, 2B and then C3. Maybe that’s why this post is 3 months late! Ce la vie.
With that said, I’m going to outline the Must-Do’s (stuff I think you’d be crazy to neglect) and add in on occasion the Could-Dos (things you might not need to but, if indicated, could save your buns in the long run.)
Must Do
List
Get Pre-Approved
Get a good realtor.
Get Inspections
Re-evaluate
1. The List.
Write down needs, wants, dreams and price limit. Do this early. Again: You need to do this. You wouldn’t be planning a huge dinner party and then go to the grocery store without a list. Or you wouldn’t go to the car dealership and buy without knowing what you want- so why would you make possibly the biggest purchase of you life without pinning down your needs, wants and price? Be realistic with the needs and feel free to dream with the wants. Having the price will help keep this in the realm of reality. You’ll probably do revisions which is ok, but this helps you have a place to start. Here’s an example of my list:
Needs
Safe Neighborhood
2/2
180k or less. Make sure to factor in expenses like homeowners insurance, property taxes and specialty insurance- like flood insurance.
Assessments paid (this is a non-optional 20k expense added on to mortgages in my city for connecting to city water and sewage)
Open Kitchen
Yard
Lanai
Wants
3/2
White kitchen
Tile
Outside flood zone
NO POOL
2. Pre-Approval
Basically you take a bunch of paperwork to 2-3 banks and get quotes on how much home they think you can afford. Whatever they say, you should take it down by at least a 1/3. By our calculations, we could afford 180k or less with the lifestyle we wanted. By the bank’s calculation we could afford 250k+. It took me a minute to figure out why these numbers were so different, then it hit me:
If they loan me 180k 4.5%, 30 years: I pay $118,666 (in interestalone)
But,
if they loan 250k 4.5%, 30 years: I pay $165,637 (in interestalone)
That’s a $47,000 difference. They could make $50k off me. No wonder they quoted me so high!
A LOT of money! They more they loan you, the more money they make! Almost an extra $50k for the bank… or for you. Your choice!
Also, I’d encourage you to consider budgeting to pay your home off in 15-20years, even if you get a 30y loan. You can often make additional payments to get it paid off early and save a boatload of money in interest (just double check because some places charge you a fee for paying off early!)
3. Get a good Realtor
All I’m gonna say is check with the people you like and respect to see who they used and try to test-run a few to make sure your personalities jive. It can be a long and stressful haul together and you want to feel comfortable.
Could Do: Price Inspectors. At this point, you can also get some ballpark figures from 2-3 inspectors. Just let them know the size range of home and year. Generally they can give you an idea of the cost and you can get a feel for how much time they’ll spend (or wont spend) with you once you’re a customer. We didn’t do this early and I regret it- we got good service, but some of the inspectors spent 30 minutes going over results and concerns with us right after while others spent only 5 minutes and said “It’ll be on the report.”
4. Get Inspections
Inspections ended up costing us about $5k BUT saved us about $15k- pretty significant. We did the 4-point and WindMit (I think those two are specific to hurricane zones), comprehensive home, sewage, asbestos and lead. Most things turned out fine. One did NOT.
Comprehensive/4-point/WindMit combo: Educational. We were able to go around the house with the TEAM of inspectors and see into crawl spaces, where the breaker and main water line is and what behind the fridge looks like. There were no chubby, slow, easy going Billy-Bob inspectors we met. They were fast, efficient and thorough.
Could Do: Lead and Asbestos These tests fall under the “Could-Do” list. They actually have to be sent out to a lab and can take up to 4 weeks to get results! We paid extra to get everything expedited and thank goodness so, because while there was no lead, they found asbestos in every ceiling (even the garage).… Removal and refinishing cost about $15,000 (that was the cheapest, safe options) but could’ve easily cost $20,000, since we repainted the ceilings ourselves instead of paying someone else to. Since we knew at purchase, we got the purchase price to be reduced significantly to cover costs. Not bad for a 1k test. If we hadn’t done the inspection… I shiver at the thought.
Could Do: Radon Another optional depending on your area. Here on this coast of Florida, theres not a lot of (read ANY) basements, which are a big risk factor for radon. However, newer construction homes can actually have higher levels of radon too! For us, our neighborhood was 1950s-1980s homes, all without basements, and by checking reported radon levels in the area, we found we were extremely low risk. Therefore we did not test for radon.
Area-Specific Concerns: For our area there were 3 things we had to consider that other places don’t:
A. Chinese drywall: During the early 2000’s building exploded nearby and cheap chinese drywall was imported to keep up with the housing boom. It is extremely toxic and has to be totally ripped out and replaced. Extremely expensive.
B. Polybutylene plumbing: This was used instead of copper or PVC and is known to burst and fray internally. Repiping can run $1,000+ per spigot. Ouch. Look under the sink: if its grey piping, its likely polybutylene. White is PVC, copper is, well, copper. Admittedly, you cant see whats in the wall, but checking under sinks is an easy, quick overview.
C. Assessments: Our city recently started requiring that homeowners move from well-water and sewage tanks to city water and sewage. The cost for this is about $20,000, which can be spread over fill-in-the-blank years. Not a dealbreaker, but certainly a major factor in purchase price. Our home was in one of the first areas they started requiring this, so all assessments were paid in full already.
5. Re-evaluate
Just take a breather. It is so easy to get caught up in just wanting it all to be over and be able to move on to the next phase of life. I remember! But try to picture the next 10 years in that home… Does it work? Are finances a too tight? Are your kids/family/spouse/friends safe there? Is there something that already annoys you about it? If so, is it something you can fix (tear down a non-loadbreaing wall or repaint) or something you can’t (driveway onto a busy street or long drive to work)? Consider your reality and your ideals. Will this home work with your reality and help you pursue your ideals?
My husband and I are planning on moving to a new home (our first house) in the near future. A lot of the homes in the area we like are from the 1960’s, which means small(er) bedrooms. I was a bit nervous about that since our current bedroom is quite large with a big attached bathroom. Can we do it? Will we feel crammed? Claustrophobic? So as an experiment, we moved into our much smaller second bedroom. I mean fully moved in- everything out of the master bedroom and attached bathroom: bed, clothes, lights, toothbrushes, everything!
And the verdict is:
It’s been awesome.
I wish I had known ages ago how great this switch is. It’s really made our bedroom a sleep and relaxation room, instead of a high traffic area because there’s no room for anything else. Now it’s quiet and dark, uncluttered (most of the time), instead of a bright, busy, transient, transitional space.
We have made the master bedroom into an office, easily convertible into a guest room. It’s got our computers, a “desk” (read a table we use as a desk), a few projects in process, and two twin beds used as couches now, but are pushed together for a “king” bed when we have a guest.
Benefits for Us
Single Use Room: Seem like a downer right? But really, it’s a blessing because the (lack of) space makes our bedroom specific by necessity. There’s not room for it to be a laundry room, exercise room, or study room with all the random books, papers, clothes to be folded, etc. It’s simply a sleep and relaxation room.
Dark: A small space is so much easier to make dark and cozy! We have big windows in the master bedroom but the second bedroom only has one and with only a small blackout curtain, it’s a dream! I’ve gotten much better sleep since we moved there.
Naturally Minimal Wardrobe: We haven’t had big wardrobes for a while, but now we don’t have room for it in the smaller closet so its more effortlessly minimal. Visually, the closet looks complete. Meaning its not crammed, but its at its ideal capacity. I don’t look at it and think “gosh, looks really bare, maybe I need more dress shirts.” (Yes, even now, I still get these reflex thoughts. See how deeply ingrained the consumer mindset is?) Our closet looks just right: complete and finished.
Climate Control: Since it is a small space, it’s easy to get it the right temperature. Closing the door warms it up and a single fan can cool it off well.
Guest Room/Office: I was dead-set against having a multi-purpose room for our guest bedroom. I thought for sure it would become a storage room- yikes! But now, after almost 2 years of being in our home and ONE guest for two days, I see the advantage of using the space. Now I still vow it will not be a storage space, but I’m open to it being an office & project room. *Note: Remember how I mentioned those big windows in the master bedroom? I love light for productivity so this bright room is perfect for paying bills, writing, studying, planning, or work.
Benefits for Guests
Personal Space: Guests need their own space, no matter how friendly you are or how social they are. As the host, our house is how we want it- we couldn’t be more comfortable! We’re home! But guests are not, so it is important for guests to feel like they have their own escape-space to be alone, stretch out and relax.
Productivity Space: We don’t plan on moving the desk anytime we have a guest, so that leaves them a horizontal space to sit and spread out their stuff, do uninterrupted work, reading, planning, etc.
Private Bathroom: Our master bedroom has its own attached bathroom which is a lot nicer for guests if they need to find a bathroom in the middle of the night in their jammies or first thing in the AM when they’re not up to interacting with people yet.
It’s a Win-Win
I wish we had done this when we first moved in, but I’m grateful for the lesson. Looking back, I guess we just did what everyone else did without ever thinking about why or evaluating our lifestyle and our space. As we look towards our next home, I definitely want to move into the smaller bedroom. For us: it’s better in every way!
I’m so curious- is there anyone out there who has done this too? How would this work with kids? I’d love to hear from you!
Guys have you seen these legless chairs? I’ve seen them called tatami chairs, zaisu chairs and kotazu chairs.
There’s a few reasons I really love the idea of these:
Store-abilty. A fair number either fold up or stack easily, which makes them easy to move or put away when not in use.
Low profile. These are short, so the room looks much bigger and more spacious than with western style chairs.
Kid friendliness. This makes it super easy for dining, living, playing with kids. They don’t need highchairs or even to be strapped in much as they do with western style chairs. Unless the child is very young, they can “fall out/off” these with no problems! This also makes playing on the floor with them a lot more comfortable.
I looked these up on Amazon and they ranged from $40-140. Waaaaaaay out of my budget. So I decided to try and DIY them. Here’s the finished result:
Final pieces
I started with a couple thrift chairs. I wanted high, slope-backed, chairs with a big seat portion so that I could lean back comfortably and had plenty of room to cross my legs and anchor the chair so I didn’t flip back everytime I leaned back. I also wanted something kind of spindly, with little wood so it would be lightweight and visually take up less space.
I really wanted to pick up a broken or discarded chair off the side of the road or craigslist, but to no avail. I did get pretty lucky and scored some for $5 each at a thrift shop.
Before
I then proceeded to saw the legs off, trying to keep everything even with a level and sharpie to draw guidelines. I did this for all three chairs I had.
Sawed off legs
Next, I was going to sandpaper the “legs” but I forgot and only bought the white spray paint. I used these two kinds, first the krylon primer + paint (accidentally got rid of can before photos), then topped with the Rusto-leom. I was a bit unsure about the High Gloss but I’m glad I did, I love the fresh brightness (plus high gloss is easier to wipe clean!) I used the whole krylon can and about 1 ½ of the Rusto-leom
I did a couple coats on the tops and close to the base and decided to let them dry before using my last can to get the bits I missed.
Day 1
The next day I did a last going over and hit any areas that were brown or didn’t have the high gloss shine. The final product:
For now I’m using our trunk on wheels as a table, though maybe a fold up table will be a future DIY. All in all, the entire project was about $28. They really are surprisingly comfortable (according to my husband) and I love how it lets light through to the rest of the room.They’re easy to stack, easy to move, and I’m sitting in one now, writing this post. Success. Plus, it was fun!
I ascribe to minimalism. Not to say I live in a mausoleum, bare of any decor or any colors except black or white. But I do try to live with fewer things. I want fewer things and I try to value time and experiences over things. This being said, my family has different viewpoints. They sometimes directly relate increased number or quality of material possessions with ability and opportunity. That is ok, and in many ways I very much enjoy how different we are. However, sometimes it causes friction and even hurt on both sides.
Here I do my best to try and share my strategy to help you bridge the gap and protect that valuable relationship you have with your loved ones. Here’s the meat:
Realize your expectations and be realistic. So much hurt can result from unclear expectations. FIRST: consider YOUR expectations (trust me- you have them.) A great way for me to do this is explain out loud how I think an evening or event will go and compare it with previous experiences or what you know of the people or place. It’s so helpful when I can do this with my husband because he’s great at spotting where my expectations may not match reality of our logistics or guests. Often I have to re-evaluate and re-adjust my vision, which makes everyone a lot happier and more at ease.
Communicate expectations. Make it very clear what you want and need from your family in specific situations. Try to be realistic and be prepared to make compromises.
Explain the rationale. As best you can, explain your heart behind your actions. Maybe your family loves buying your children things. Explain that it’s not that you want to limit their generosity- what a admirable characteristic to have! But that you them to express that wonderful generosity differently, by helping you teach your children what really matters: relationships and experiences. Maybe try asking them to express their generosity in a new way, like via events or quality time. Be prepared to offer practical advice and ideas, in addition to the sentiment.
For example, my family is very generous and love giving gifts. I love and admire that about them. However, I don’t need very many clothes, and so on gift giving occasions I may ask for one or two items of clothing (communicate expectations) and know that I may receive double that (realize expectations.) In this situation, I respect them by expressing my appreciation for the time and energy they put into looking for an item they thought I would enjoy. I am very fortunate that in my situation, they show respect for me by including receipts so I can return items that don’t quite suit me or my situation. If they ask me about if I will keep a piece or not, I usually let them know which piece and (explain) why.
This can be such a difficult subject for many families because gift-giving really exposes a lot of emotions. In America, the land of abundance and capitalism, things are translated as value. Value means love. Therefore, things = love. So, many people feel when you reject an item you are actually rejecting their love. The thought is “I give you a thing, I give you love. You reject my thing, you reject my love.” This fundamental equation, of things = love, is being questioned by minimalists and plays a major role in a communication breakdown between minimalists and nonminimalists. Understanding this can help you to bridge the gap and explain that not wanting an item doesn’t mean you don’t value another person, their personhood or their contribution to the family. Sometimes it means helping explain a new equation: time = love. Sometimes it means accepting the thing. You may have different views, but that doesn’t mean one view is always right, especially when it comes to something as subjective as “feeling” loved or respected.
Remember that you love and value these people and relationships, sometimes you adjust for the people you love, just like they adjust for you. This doesn’t mean you give up, but that you adjust.
I realize there is a fine line here and it may vary from family to family. The best advice I can give is to express appreciation for the sentiment behind the gesture and remember that you are in charge of your life. You give appreciation (out of love and respect) and they accept your decisions (out of love and respect.) Balance. We can do this.
This post is a simple flow plan I used to consider if, when, and how to add children to our family.
My husband and I decided that having a baby was something we wanted to do in our lifetime. Once we decided on that it was all down to logistics in my mind. We had something we needed to do, thus, we had to figure out how to get it done. And no, I don’t mean the birds and the bees. I meant we needed to figure out the logical steps and parameters for fulfilling this goal. It’s not a very romantic way to decide to have a baby, but it is what it is. I like logical.
Initially I looked at timeline based on our relationship. I love my husband, he is my best friend. I had to decide if I wanted to share him, and also place the strain of caring for and raising another human on our relationship. After discussion, prayer and advice, we decided we felt we were a strong team and would tackle this challenge together. We decided that we would do a lot of prep, get counsel and set rules as we entered this new phase of life to make our relationship a priority. We have seen a lot of weird marriages and many fall apart after kids left the house, so we also decided that our personal priorities would be God, spouse, children, family, and work, in that order. Our goal was never to choose child over spouse. It was important to us to know each other’s priorities going in. It may sound odd, but it’s what we chose.
Are you strong in your relationship together? Best friends?
Are you ok sharing your spouse and your time with another human? Do you work well together?
Timeline based on fertility and health concerns was another factor. I knew that for women, pregnancies in your 30s were broadly considered “higher-risk.” For men, age does’t play as big a factor, medically speaking. Since we were both in our late twenties, the ideal time would be soon. That isn’t to say if you’re in your 30s or 40s you’ve missed it- No way! It’s just a factor to be aware of. Not better or worse, just different. But once I have a goal I like to research the heck out of it and then get it done. So, let’s get a baby done.
Are you both reasonably healthy? (Meaning, can one of you be a caregiver for a while as the other goes though the challenges of pregnancy, birth and recovery?)
Get advice from your MD on your health and risk factors. Consider your family history too. (Miscarriages in the family? Possibility of twins? Congenital diseases? Rh factor, if it is not first pregnancy?)
Next, I considered our financial timeline. I must admit my husband and father-in-law really crunched the numbers. In this process please remember to consider both the future you want (and probably picture) and compare it CLOSELY to what you can afford. I imagine it like those “spot the differences” pictures you look at as a child. Often they are quite different. Don’t let that discourage you. Just try to see reality for this step. We decided that though I would need to continue working part-time, it was do-able within the next year and we could continue saving money (albeit, much less.)
Can you afford a baby? There’s a lot of great calculators out there for free if you don’t know where to start. We used BabyCenter since we really didn’t know a lot of the details initially.)
Can you afford delivery? I actually called the health insurance I would have when I delivered (remember, nine months is a long time and may go into the next year!) and asked them a lot of questions about delivery, normal costs, costs if and I/the baby/both had to stay in the hospital longer and if they covered a breast pump (and which one!) I also checked the hospital’s website to see if they carried that pump!
Can you live in the reality of what your life will look like? (Not what you wish it would be.)
Lastly, we needed to decide if we had the lifestyle that allowed it realistically. We were both out of school (praise the Lord!) and had few hobbies. We were both working full-time, but in America, that means 40 hours a week and with all our modern conveniences, we really had a fair amount of free time. Having a baby meant that there would be no more spontaneous trips, nights spend in TV murder mystery marathons or going out wherever and whenever we wanted- we were going to have a baby to take care of and plan around. Lots of big lifestyle changes for us. If we both continued full time, we would need to schedule out where the baby would be, with who, and when. Ideally, one of us would move to a part-time, but we planned for that and for the possibility both continuing full-time. My husband works 6 days a week but has flexible hours and could take a child to his workplace occasionally. My work does not allow for a child present and is 12+ hours a day, but only 3 days a week. Based on that, we decided on 3 of my days off I would care for the child, the other 3 days he would, and we would consider daycare for the additional day. Overlapping time would fall to both of us. We had to plan our work time and our home time now. Let me camp out here for a minute to emphasize that it is REALLY important to talk with your spouse about division of labor in specifics. In my life, most conflict and disappointment can be traced directly to unmet expectations- whether they were spoken or not. (Anyone else have unmet expectations about who is doing the dishes?) It was a little shocking when my husband really contemplated that he would be left completely alone with a baby for 13 hours a day.
Are you both honestly prepared to share new and sometimes really gross duties? A good gauge of this would be to ask- “Could you fill-in-the-blank*right now if you needed to?” If the answer is no, that’s ok, but you need to either: appoint specific time to learn how or trade tasks with your spouse for something else. (*change a diaper/clean spit-up/bottle feed/suck out snot/put to sleep/wipe butts/make a snack/spend a day with/take a rectal temperature.)
Who is better at what? If you haven’t already split chores in the house, make a list and pick the ones that your enjoy most, then divide evenly the ones that neither of you want.
Once you’ve sorted out these parameters you really have a clear path. Be aware this process may bring out conflicting assumptions and expectations between you and your spouse. Even within yourself. As a consequence of evaluating our finance and lifestyle parameters, I found that being able to stay home was more important to me than a house with our own yard. That was a tough moment, comparing my wants (and pictured future) with reality. But it was freeing too. I could stop wondering what we might cut to afford it, how we could earn more, haggle a price down and wonder how much was really our financial limit if this or if that. I had a hard number, few choices, less “what ifs” and more peace.
Additionally: talk about what your biggest fears and worries are. Turns out your both probably excited and freaked out at the same time. My husband is absolutely amazing and he was actually worried about being a bad dad! I was really surprised because he is so much more patient and wise than I am, so I thought he would be serenely confident. But since we had this conversation, I understood him better and was able to encourage and support him and he did the same for me.
I was also able to let go of some guilt I had about wanting to stay home. I decided to ask my husband without reservation or pressure whether he would like to be the one to stay home if we had the option. I was sure he’d say yes. I badly wanted to stay home if at all possible- in my mind: who wouldn’t?! But he explained to me that although he really looked forward to children, No way, would he like to be a stay-at-home dad. He even admitted to feeling some guilt for not wanting to! Ha! So here’s me wanting to stay home, but feeling bad for it, and him, wanting to keep working, and feeling bad for it! Goodness, I’m glad we cleared that up.
Best of luck as you consider your future- it is full of possibilities! We can do this.
Guys, I think I found the best book on minimalism ever. No, this is not a sponsored post and yes, I am serious.
The book is called Goodbye Things: The New Japanese Minimalism. This is the book that I am recommending to anyone who wants to learn more about or get started in minimalism. The author writes from the perspective of a completely normal and quite average person. Not excessively anything. Not amazingly this or that. Just a guy who figured out how to live with less in genuine contentment.
Fumio’s writing comes off as an ordinary man who has had a life changing epiphany and just wants to catch up with you over coffee. He casually offers to help you do it too, if you like. It’s an absolute delight to read.
The book has sections on the theory of minimalism and practical steps on how to go about it. Both sections are refreshing and I found the practical tips achievable and clear. The book also features beautiful pictures from his apartment both before and after, his transformation. While the theory and mindset are clearly explained, Fumio Sasaki’s approach is more based in realism and logical facts than other books in the minimalism genre, which tend to come off more philosophical or feelings-based.
It would be maximalist to go on about this book review (which I could probably do) so I will simply leave it there and recommend you look into this book. The book is available for purchase in print, ebook and audiobook for all your reading preferences or check your local library! We can do this.
As I’ve removed many, many physical things from my immediate environment, I’ve found that a lot of worry, excuses and fear have been pulled away too. Not all though. And, as the make-doer that I am, I’ve found plenty of other things to occupy my time. Sometimes removing things brings peace and calm. I feel that when I walk into our less-is-more apartment after a long day at work. Often it removes distractions. Sometimes it removes distractions that you’ve been hiding behind. I found it so for me. With far fewer things to distract me from unsettling issues, worry or guilt, I became uncomfortable. I started using media like movies, TV shows or books to occupy my newfound time and “take my mind” off those unsettling thoughts. All this I did totally “minimally” since my distractions were self contained on my smartphone- no clutter! When I felt stress or pressured I would simply decide I needed some “me time” to recharge and refresh. But then later, the worries were still there and I simply had less time to handle them. Then when the movie, book or show was over, those uncomfortable feelings I was running away from reared their ugly heads again. What I was really doing was self-medicating for anxiety and stress. I see that now, but at the time I just thought I was so clever for making time for relaxation by removing stuff! Ah, sometimes the lies you tell yourself are hard to recognize.
Freedom in knowledge
I feel a bit sad and embarrassed to admit this all, but I also feel freer too. Now I know what I was doing. I understand it. Having that knowledge means I can tackle it! Yes! I’ve named the monster, now I can fight it. I am an adult (despite evidence to the contrary) and I have the tools to handle most of the issues causing these feelings and overcome them. Knowing that gives me hope and motivation. Do I like feeling this way? No! Can I change it? Yes. Now I just have to do it. I like logical. Often it makes things simple.
Moving Forward
So let me ask you: Why do you distract yourself? What triggers the need to “chill?” Do you feel uncomfortable? Unsettled? Unhappy? Why? Is there anything you can do to solve the problems causing those feelings? Not a bandaid to cover it, but a surgery to fix it. If so, why haven’t you done that yet? Find that and maybe you’ll find the next step you need to take in your minimalism journey. We can do this.
How we chose to mark important events such as holidays, milestones and celebrations, says a lot about us. How we don’t celebrate says a lot as well. In my childhood, we celebrated such things as are common in the USA. Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and the like. I knew things were important because they the occasion was marked with a few common ingredients: special food, gifts, and family gathered.That’s how I learned to recognize big events as a child. Sometimes we would dress nice as well, like Christmas church service, but later around the tree we were all in our old pajamas and that was very special too. It seems cliché to say, but its true that I remember very few gifts or even meals. I remember rather, being squished in the car with the people I adored on a snowy, cold night. I remember the smell of peppermint and pine, anticipating singing by candlelight with the people I loved. I remember laughing hysterically and thinking how clever and fun my siblings were. I remember pushing each other to be the first to walk up to the scary house on Halloween and feeling safe, even though we acted scared.
These are the things I want to bring to others in my life.
Empty boxes
What I do remember of unwrapping gifts is, similar to what I feel today unwrapping gifts. As a child (and until quite recently) unwrapping gifts was a short sense of excitement, surprise, and occasionally disappointment. Followed by a sense of emptiness after taking stock and finding the things that seemed so important and promising a few days ago, now felt like just more things… absorbed into the mass of already accumulated “stuff” in my home. The only difference is now, I also feel profoundly grateful that the people I love have taken time to find something they thought would delight, benefit or inspire me. How kind of them to spend their time, thoughts or money on me. Wow, that is so humbling. Maybe you remember special feelings from occasions like this too? That feeling is so much sweeter then the gift.
Underlying beliefs
As a child, I understood gift giving as one of the few ways to show love on holidays, if not the most important. And I understood that more expensive gifts somehow meant more. Or so I thought. I knew that the cards we made didn’t have monetary value, so I viewed them as kind of “failure gifts.” My parents didn’t teach us that at all, but I’d never seen these items, such as handmade cards, valued in any other context but as a gift form child to parent, so I assumed it wasn’t “real” if adults didn’t do it too. I wonder if I had felt differently if I had seen adults I respected and loved (outside my parents) giving each other homemade cards
I remember being profoundly confused as a child about my mum. She never asked for much of ANYTHING on occasions when it was expected to give to her gifts. It boggled my child’s mind that on a day where she could get so much stuff she didn’t use it! Now as an adult I can see that any “gifts” from your children are often paid for by you, and not really “free” like they are as a child. But at the time I could name 5 things (at least) on the drop of the hat that I’d love to have, and wish lists on birthdays or Christmas were staggeringly long and expensive. Most often she’d ask for nothing, but if we felt we had to get her something she would ask for some kind of tree, shrub or flowers, planted somewhere near the house. I remember the Sugar Maple trees she asked for. The trees, yes, but more specifically I remember everyone working together to dig the hole, move the 10+ foot tree together, stand it straight, put the soil back and water it, spraying each other as well. It was an afternoon cut out to do something together. It wasn’t forced. We just wanted to be together, doing something side by side. Every time I looked at that lovely Sugar Maple after, I recalled that afternoon, refreshed by the memory. Anytime I see any Sugar Maple really… it was never about the tree anyway.
Turning Point
I recount these memories for two reasons. First, because its beautiful to relive them. Second, because I want to pull the goodness out, the things that made those moments great, and make that the ingredients for celebrating as an adult. As I’d made an effort to live with a more minimalist mindset and removed a lot of things from my life, I have had so much more space and time. That space, physically and mentally, has lead me to consider how I want to live. Now that there’s so much more space, I consider how I want to rebuild and fill it. The things I want to add. No, I don’t mean more stuff. Does that make sense? Like when you see a big empty space you cant help but imagine what it could be? Could have? Could do? That’s how I feel about my life now. Not forced to add, but able to do so as little or as much and exactly what I want, unhindered by price, situation or availability. Because the things I want to add aren’t really things.
I want to curate the way I celebrate. I want to create every opportunity for the important things to be given center stage. What I want to be the main event is: intentional time with family. So I’ve begun to curate celebrations that make that the main event. The most anticipated and valued part of the celebration.
How to change
address reality next. Spend time on this step, it matters
1. Be excited about “it” Figure our what that special ingredient is and verbalize the value. Tell others that it is the most important part and what you look forward to most. For me, “it” is the time with family. I tell everyone that what I really look forward most of all is being together.
2. Plan everything around “it” It’s the main event. Give it the prime time, center stage. Giving “things” used to be the main event for me- the one ingredient that made it a real celebration. Now its the time set aside to be together. I have other things we do together to celebrate on special occasions, but I try to make sure the climax is the time together.
3. Make “it” special. Intentional, remember? Spend time, thought and effort on it. Put things in perspective. Giving things are a way to express love, but not the only way. Giving words, time, money, skills, and opportunities are too. Don’t make “things” the only thing to give. So don’t make “things”, the only thing you ask for either.
I am imperfect and still figuring out how to make this real in my life. Please share ways that you and your family have done this because I would LOVE to learn more about how to do this practically. We can do this.
This post is a simple flow plan I used to consider if, when, and how to add children to our family.
