I ascribe to minimalism. Not to say I live in a mausoleum, bare of any decor or any colors except black or white. But I do try to live with fewer things. I want fewer things and I try to value time and experiences over things. This being said, my family has different viewpoints. They sometimes directly relate increased number or quality of material possessions with ability and opportunity. That is ok, and in many ways I very much enjoy how different we are. However, sometimes it causes friction and even hurt on both sides.
Here I do my best to try and share my strategy to help you bridge the gap and protect that valuable relationship you have with your loved ones. Here’s the meat:
- Realize your expectations and be realistic. So much hurt can result from unclear expectations. FIRST: consider YOUR expectations (trust me- you have them.) A great way for me to do this is explain out loud how I think an evening or event will go and compare it with previous experiences or what you know of the people or place. It’s so helpful when I can do this with my husband because he’s great at spotting where my expectations may not match reality of our logistics or guests. Often I have to re-evaluate and re-adjust my vision, which makes everyone a lot happier and more at ease.
- Communicate expectations. Make it very clear what you want and need from your family in specific situations. Try to be realistic and be prepared to make compromises.
- Explain the rationale. As best you can, explain your heart behind your actions. Maybe your family loves buying your children things. Explain that it’s not that you want to limit their generosity- what a admirable characteristic to have! But that you them to express that wonderful generosity differently, by helping you teach your children what really matters: relationships and experiences. Maybe try asking them to express their generosity in a new way, like via events or quality time. Be prepared to offer practical advice and ideas, in addition to the sentiment.
For example, my family is very generous and love giving gifts. I love and admire that about them. However, I don’t need very many clothes, and so on gift giving occasions I may ask for one or two items of clothing (communicate expectations) and know that I may receive double that (realize expectations.) In this situation, I respect them by expressing my appreciation for the time and energy they put into looking for an item they thought I would enjoy. I am very fortunate that in my situation, they show respect for me by including receipts so I can return items that don’t quite suit me or my situation. If they ask me about if I will keep a piece or not, I usually let them know which piece and (explain) why.
This can be such a difficult subject for many families because gift-giving really exposes a lot of emotions. In America, the land of abundance and capitalism, things are translated as value. Value means love. Therefore, things = love. So, many people feel when you reject an item you are actually rejecting their love. The thought is “I give you a thing, I give you love. You reject my thing, you reject my love.” This fundamental equation, of things = love, is being questioned by minimalists and plays a major role in a communication breakdown between minimalists and nonminimalists. Understanding this can help you to bridge the gap and explain that not wanting an item doesn’t mean you don’t value another person, their personhood or their contribution to the family. Sometimes it means helping explain a new equation: time = love. Sometimes it means accepting the thing. You may have different views, but that doesn’t mean one view is always right, especially when it comes to something as subjective as “feeling” loved or respected.
Remember that you love and value these people and relationships, sometimes you adjust for the people you love, just like they adjust for you. This doesn’t mean you give up, but that you adjust.
I realize there is a fine line here and it may vary from family to family. The best advice I can give is to express appreciation for the sentiment behind the gesture and remember that you are in charge of your life. You give appreciation (out of love and respect) and they accept your decisions (out of love and respect.) Balance. We can do this.
Thanks for visiting!