In 2012 I was exposed to minimalism for the first time. I considered myself as “pursing minimalism.” I would give myself the title of minimalist- too grand and great for me! But I aspired to it.
But 10 years later, as I sat in my home with toys strewn on floor and dishes piling up, and frankly: clutter, I couldn’t help but feel like a failure. Where did I go wrong? I read Marie Kondo, Fumio Sasaki, and more, I’d purged over 2,000 things within my 6 months of pursing minimalism… I wrote for a minimalist blog! What happened?
Maybe you have felt this way too- you’ve done the work but haven’t been able to achieve the social media perfection you were all but promised.
Well, I have good news: you’re not a failure. You are dynamic.
Dynamic means there’s always growth, change, evolution. There’s new seasons to life, new jobs, people, world events (I’m looking at you 2020), life events, attitudes, losses and gains.
IF you NEVER changed, you could probably achieve and keep you aesthetic triumph effortlessly, without the need to reassess. But you are not static, and the world around you isn’t either, so you must shift with the ebb and flow of life.
Example:
We didn’t have kids. I never had to curate a toy collection. Then we had a kid. So, it kinda caught me off guard when I became overwhelmed with toys everywhere! And I had even rejected and returned a LOT of toys we had received. Well, now we have a kid, so we have toys, so guess what? I gotta readjust.
Another:
2020 shut down our gym. My husband is energized by exercise. We purchased gym equipment. Some we used, some just gathered dust. I could mourn over mistakes. Or I could just say “Ah, lesson learned!” and move forward.
If I wasn’t dynamic, I won’t have encountered these problems. But I also wouldn’t have ALL the AMAZING things that come from a dynamic life.
So, rather than being ashamed that I need to declutter again or my life has changed and gotten messy in new ways, I decided to re-evaluate what we needed and needed to do to make our lives function simply and easily. Again. And NOT to view it as a failure. Success! My life is growing! I have opportunity to clear out the old and make way for the new! Like a tree sheds it’s leaves in winter, I’m letting old things go, and making way for the new to come. Those old things weren’t a mistake (ok, maybe a few were,) just like a tree’s new leaves each year aren’t a mistake. They were appropriate for that season. Now they aren’t. Simple!
Once I accepted the need for change without shame, I was able to see what needed to be done clearly and got to it! Now, I’m so pleased and thankful for the new flow we have and I’m not afraid to tweak it as needed!
Plus, I’m not afraid to say “yep, I got in some bad habits.” Im happy to refresh my non-consumer habits and humbly revisit some wonderful resources to learn and relearn!
Don’t be ashamed to do things over again, you dynamic being.
“Oh no! Do I have to buy all that stuff?” That’s what I thought when I started researching what I needed to welcome a baby into my life. The answer is a resounding NO, you don’t need to buy all that stuff. So there, take a sigh of relief and read on. After researching a bit, I found that some baby industries market on fear, guilt and hope to sell a dream… via a product:
“What if your baby won’t stop crying? Better get this baby ______ so you can sleep.”
“Do you want you baby to be smart? They will be with this developmentally stimulating _______ device.”
“Did you know ________ can cause cancer? Luckily we can give (read: sell) you this special BPA and paraphanelates-free, organic, farm fresh, holistically balanced __________.”
…And we buy. Most parents don’t welcome a child into their lives planning for that child to fail. Most desire success for their kid and want to do everything possible to ensure that success. Knowing that mindset and that many parents are entering a new world of experiences for the first time, companies can make BANK.
Lucky for you, there is (and has been) a different way all along.
My greatest comfort after seeing this deluge of “must-have” baby products came from reaching an article (I don’t remember where), that stated babies only need 4 things: something to eat, somewhere to sleep, a way to eliminate and love. Moms already have 2 out of 4: breastfeeding and love. Neither are easy, but both are free. For the bedding front, there are still people today who recall siblings that literally slept in (open) dresser drawers. Ideal? Maybe not. But hey- feel the pressure to be perfect lessen. You can do this, even if you won’t be featured in Better Homes and Gardens magazine. So with love, boob(s) and a drawer or box somewhere that means you have 3/4 things that are really necessary already available! Congratulations! The final piece: elimination. You need diapers and lots of them. Whether you use cloth, disposables or biodegradables, you need a supply or a system.
With this comforting fact in mind, heres how I approached my “Must Have” list.
Qualifiers
Gender neutral colors (grey, white, black, cream). We decided on this because 1) we wanted items that could be reused for multiple children. 2) I love the aesthetics of few, calm colors and I didn’t want having kids to mean that our now peaceful and somewhat minimal home turned into the aftermath of a Willy Wonka Rave (but hey, maybe you’re into that: power to you.) If an item wasn’t available in a gender neutral color, I chose blue. I’m a girl. I like blue. My husband also likes blue. He’s a boy. So there. If you like pink/green/brown/purple, maybe use that.
Minimal-Multifunctional, meaning I wanted things that could perform multiple functions and didn’t leave a lot of choices. This was so I could go on auto-pilot if I only had 2 functioning brain cells till I recovered and WANTED to try new things.
Long-term planning. If you’re having a shower/gender reveal/gift giving occasion, then register for items that you will need in the next few years, not just the next few months. You don’t get a shower at every milestone, but you still need clothes and tools as they grow! Use this time where people WANT to bless you and give you things to prepare for the next couple years.
Now, let’s get to my favorite part: lists!
For simplicity I listed what I believe is a “Must Have” and then added an optional section for items I believe will make my life with a newborn the best possible. Excluding diapers, the “Must Have” section is less than 15 things. You really can go über minimal. I’ll also be posting an article of Our Must Not Have List, that expands on the subject of excess baby items so stay tuned!
Clothes
3-4 short sleeve onsieis/bodysuits* AND 3-4 long-sleeve bodysuits*
Minimal/Multifunctional: Simple colors and patterns. These have the crisscross necks that expand to fit over the head. Kimono style that button open on the side and ones that zip all the way down to the toe are great options too (no trying to finagle a sleepy baby head out of a fabric tube). I opted out of these because while they were hard to find, they seem wonderful. I also found this big pack that has five size 0-3 mo, five size 3-6mo, and five 6-12mo. Because I chose VERY little variety in color or pattern they work for groceries store, church, home, outings or wherever. And the only choice in I have to make in “outfits” is: long or short sleeve?
Minimal/Multifunctional: I got 3-4 packs because firstly, I HATE having different brands and styles of socks and second, I like to buy socks all at once for a year+ so they all match (one less choice to make on 3 hours of sleep.) These replace 3 items: short baby socks, baby leg warmers and baby pants. In emergency I could also use these on arms, say, if all my long sleeve ones were dirty, or as a replacement for mittens (which I heard rarely stay on.) Side tip: Because baby socks are so small they actually can get “eaten” or stuck in your dryer! I grabbed a mesh laundry bag we had lying around and hung it on the laundry basket so it’s easy to toss them in there. Side note: I went a bit off course here because these were so stinking cute. Does baby care? Nope. But it’s an easy way to brighten my day with something that has to be done anyway.
Minimal/Multifunctional: Only two, maybe 3. I don’t want to have to wonder where/how many/etc. It is a replacement for a blanket while baby is too young to have one and some can swaddle as well.
Minimal/Multifunctional: I went heavy on the numbers here because they have so many uses. Swaddling, nursing cover (tie two consecutive corners and wear it like a huge necklace), changing pad, blanket, teether (isn’t everything a teether for a phase?), stroller cover, comfort/snuggler, towel, burp cloth, fluids barrier on beds, floors, clothes, PEOPLE (sorry uncle Joe.) Side tip: I chose Aden and Anis brand because they’re widely known, highly rated and seem to keep their value pretty well (if you sell to a consignment store when you don’t need them, you may get a better price for brand name.) With that said, there are some great swaddles made by tiny companies.
Minimal/Multifunctional: A little different than the long sleeve bodysuits because these are for the 12-18mo age. I am planning on them LIVING in these until the age of 3 years. Don’t we all wish we could live in pajamas? It eliminates a lot of shirts and pants, and the matching of those items, which is nice. Home days, sleep, groceries store, errands, grandparents house, play dates. They’re easy, cute, mobile. Good enough for me.
Be ready to whip ’em out if you’re breastfeeding. Why make life hard? Plus, yo boobies be changing size during pregnancy and daily during breastfeeding so you gotta get some different sizes to cope with that anyway. Get some easy, inexpensive ones.
Maternity Dresses*
Eh, preference. But like with the bras, your body changes a lot so you may have to get some different clothes anyway.
Bathing
Side tip: You don’t want to bathe baby till the umbilical stump falls off in a week-ish, so just do good ol’ sponge bath/spot cleaning as you see fit till then.
Minimal/Multifunctional: its small, easy to care for and store, inexpensive and works in sinks, tubs, showers. It could work from birth until whatever age you feel appropriate. There are A TON of other bathing devices and based on other people’s feedback they seemed too bulky, short lived, made the baby cold, or hard to care for.
2-3 Wash cloths*
No, don’t buy “baby” ones. Do you have any? Those will work. They’re just to scrub the babe (gently) and help keep them warm while bathing.
1Soap
Minimal/Multifunctional: Something unscented and gentle. We use (diluted) Dr. Bronners Castile unscented since we have it already and use it for a ton of other things (house cleaning, dishes, face wash, hand soap, body wash, etc.)
OPTIONAL bathing
1 Pouring device (Like a cup or something to rinse the kid with)
Minimal: A cup? yea. The Skip Hop Moby Bath Tear Free Waterfall Rinser? Not really. I am considering this because so many people have said it works phenomenally well to keep water off kids’ faces. We had a child in our home that screamed BLOODY MURDER about getting water on his face while bathing, so for me, this may be a trauma purchase : )
Sleep
Oh how I struggled over this! Bassinet, Moses basket, baby box, baby rocker, crib, cosleeper and a million options of each kind! With a queen bed and a 6’4 hubby, cosleeping doesn’t really appeal. Small apartment? Yep. Also, I don’t want to have to trek to another room in the middle of the night. What could I get that would grow with them, be easy to store, safe to sleep in, travel well, etc!? Do your research and decide for yourself. For me, this was one of the hardest choices and ended up being one of the most expensive items we got. With that said, I’m pretty happy with the safety, longevity and quality we decided on.
Minimal/Multifunctional: I chose the Lotus Travel Crib and Portable Baby Playard. You can use this from newborn to toddlerhood, which is why it’s the only item I put in my “required” sleeping list. It’s gender neutral, super light for a pack and play (11lb), folds up small and easily into a backpack. Great for bed, travel, home, visiting, beach, and can be used newborn to toddlerhood. Side tip: A lot of pack and plays have crossbars at the bottom that make it pretty uneven to sleep in, so do your research before buying. The one we chose is designed to be a comfortable sleeping alternative.
One gets dirty, you have a backup. These are high rated and waterproof. Side tip: Put both covers on the mattress. Then when you have a messy midnight change, you just whip the old one off and have a new one already in place.
OPTIONAL sleep
An auto rocker or bouncer or swing*
Minimal/Multifunctional: It’s in the optional section for a reason. But I’m considering something smaller than the Pack and Play that I can easily move room to room or set baby in for visits grandparents, etc. This is a 3 in 1. It’s a bassinet that lays flat for bedtime, sits half up for napping or soothing during the day (I picture being able to get dressed and put on makeup…If I want), and sits all the way up for stimulation/interaction when you can’t/don’t want to hold them (Hands free? Joy!)
Diapering
We have never had a baby before so we wanted to be green sensitive and cost-effective, but also realistic for our new phase of life, so we decided on biodegradables for the first month or so, when they’re going through a ton of diapers, and then phasing in cloth as the frequency decreases and we get used to our new normal. Side Note: For those of you open to something a bit outside of the average north american comfort zone: Elimination Communication. I’m still doing research on this but I am pretty excited about the possibility of a child being potty trained at a year or two old. I’ll keep you posted on updates with this
If disposable diapering:
Stats: 900 diapers for newborn to 3 months (avg is 10/day) and 630 diapers for 3-6 months (avg is 7/day). Holy moley.
Minimal/Multifunctional: All are the same, with the same inserts (no choices to make) and should last me till potty trained. I got mine (25 Bumgenius AIOs) off Craigslist for $150 with inserts. I’m wondering if that’s too many, but it was a bulk sale and I can simply not use some if so. I’m not going to even pretend to know much about cloth diapering. I got the basic info and rely on those savvy moms and dads out there for expertise. Side note: Have a few disposables ready for emergencies and mental health. We’re shooting for 300 disposables/biodegradables total (1 month worth.) We’re going with one brand, 2 sizes (newborn and 0-3mo), biodegradable disposables for a month or less then switching to cloth.
I chose a set because I wanted at least two. One large for at home and one medium for travel baby bag. The set I got is inexpensive, high related and comes in a 3 pack. I’m thinking I’ll use the smallest one for either a bottle when my husband takes ‘em out, liquids like balms, or wet swimsuits as they get older (remember, plan for the future!)
We are new at this and want any advantage possible. When I heard there were biodegradable inserts that meant less poop scraping and spraying, I was hooked. This pack is high rated and $25 for 400.
A lot of people go without or use coconut oil: I love that! Just be careful if you’re using cloth diapers because coconut oils can degrade or damage the materials. I chose Earth Mama Organic Diaper Balm because its high-rated, pretty natural and works with cloth diapers.
Feeding
Boob(s): Got ’em? Great! Natural or modified, they’ll work. Everything else is optional.
OPTIONAL feeding
Formula
I’m hoping to breastfeed, but I’ve heard of so many women that by choice or not, utilize formula. All I can say is: Awesome! Formula is great. Breastfeeding is great. Feeding your baby is great! This can be tricky because while its good to have some on hand, you can’t be sure whether or not your child will exhibit sensitivity, so I’d recommend having 2-3 different cans available. Then you can try different ones if you feel your child is sensitive. Please make sure to donate or pass along the formulas that don’t work well for you to another parent.
Breastfeeding Education
Not a “thing” per se, but if you’re planning of breastfeeding, it can change your life in those first few weeks. I’d recommend the Milkology course because breastfeeding is NOT easy! Natural? Yes. Easy? No!
You could definitely just use a pillow you have around the house too. I haven’t done a lot of research yet, but I would love to learn more about natural breastfeeding positions, that eliminate the “need” for a breastfeeding pillow. Please comment below if you have some good resources! I did purchase a My BreastFriend Deluxe at a thrift store for $8. Sweet!
Most of the time insurance will partially or fully cover these! I needed one because I intended to return to work. The one I wanted (and my insurance covers) is the Medela Instyle. You can also rent from hospitals as well, so do your research if you’re on the fence.
Minimal/Multifunctional: You can pop these on one boob while the baby feeds on the other and catch the dribbles or use as a manual pump. I even read one post where a woman puts hers on at night and has almost a full bottle of milk by morning! I may have to investigate the safety and spillage factors there, but worth a look. Some women actually prefer the manual pumps to the electric as well.
This seems to really come down to parent/child preference. I’m planning on breastfeeding but also using some Dr. Brown’s I got for free because you never know how breastfeeding will work out and eventually I’ll be going back to work. Plus, I want my hubby to be able to bond with baby (and let me sleep) by feeding ‘em occasionally.
Minimal/Multifunctional: I consider these minimal because they allow you to do less laundry (instead of changing your double-bullseye shirt stains, you just pop a new pair of these in when the leaking threatens.) I suppose you could also use them to wash your face after you stop breastfeeding.
Preference. You may just want to wait and see how you do breastfeeding and sometimes the hospital will give these to you. They’re really helpful for inverted nipples. Example product of my personal battle between “Be Prepared!” and “Live with less!”
Preference. Some mamas suggest rubbing breast milk on your nipples and letting it dry. I’m going to get some Earth Mama Angel Baby on hand because cracked nipples scare the heck outta me!
Independent Feeding Supplies
Remember, we’re planning for the next years, not the next month- capitalize on the gift-giving spirit for long term blessings!
2 silicone bibs: for mealtime, these can go in the clothes or dishwasher.
4 drool bibs*: love these Bibdanas. You can also DIY, which is what I did.
A high chair*: think light, stable and portable. I wanted one that could travel easy and be used at restaurants or other houses.
2 Utensils: Aren’t thesecute? But they’re also light for traveling and double as toys.
1 Bowel: I’ve never used thisbut I really don’t like cleaning spilled food, so I’m betting on the silicone suction for some help on that. Since its made of stainless steel it should last through play sessions, drum solos, floor falls, and years.
2 sippy cups/sports thermos: I chose Hydroflask because come in multiple sizes, are stainless steel for long use, exchange-able tops from sippy to sports. My husband and I also each have a big one and LOVE how they keep things cold or hot for a long time! If they don’t get lost, they will last many years. Remember, try to plan for more than the next few months with registry gifts!
I’m opting for both, but I think you could easily do one or the other. I love the idea of wrapping with something very light since Florida is HOT y’all! So I’m debating between either the Happy Wrap or Vlokup Baby Wrap (8-35lb.) My husband feels wrapping is a little too hippy dippy, so for carrier we decided on the Infantino Flip 4-in-1 Convertible Carrier (8-32lb.)
All mentioned above have great reviews, work for a broad weight/age range, in a variety of settings and are neutral colors.
My recommendation is if you can, buy one that grows with your child. Its long-term savings and less plastic. This one has great reviews and fits 5-100lbs depending on positioning. You can buy new, or if you buy used, make sure you check the expiration date (yes, car seats do expire due to degrading in the heat of the car.)
Honestly, I’m waffling on this because I hope to be baby-wearing. I only see this being useful for walks, but I LOVE walks in the neighborhood and we have a lot of paved paths where we live. I encourage you to really evaluate your situation and see if its even worth your money, time and effort.
Minimal/Multifunctional: We’re looking at the Summer Infant 3D Lite because its high rated, not crazy expensive, 16lb (we live on 2nd floor), fair sun shade (Florida y’all), good maneuverability, folds up family small for travel and weight limit is 50lb so it should last us a few years.
Ya need it, don’t wait till a late night with an upset baby to get it. Tympanic (ear) and temporal (forehand) temps are not always accurate in newborns and the gold standard for pediatricians is rectal.
Minimal/Multifunctional: The one listed is small, works for oral, axillary (armpit) and rectal (yes, it’s fine, just clean with alcohol.)
Bulb or hose, it’s up to you. Babies breathe exclusively through their nose initially so it is important to be able to clear the airway quickly and effectively. We opted for the NoseFrieda Snot Sucker for better sanitary and efficacy reasons.
Worth the “just in case” for us. I want to prep for not NEEDING to leave the house for weeks after birth if I can.
Teether necklace
I opted for three necklaces actually, 1 silicone adult, 1 amber adult and 1 amber child. My rationale for the adult ones is for the babe to have something to grab and chew on when we’re holding ‘em other than my hair, clothes or my husband’s chest hair (ouch!) and to have one ready for when the babe starts experiencing teething pains. There’s some beautiful adult amber necklaces and a great gift pack with a child amber and adult silicone necklace.
From the general consensus it’s a godsend after birth and I’ve been wanting to try a bidet anyway, so it works out perfect. You can either go with a little travel on (like this one) or invest in a stationary one (like this). I will say I’ve been eyeballing the permanent one for everyday use and to help with cloth diaper cleaning.
Belly binder
I’m totally new to this, but I love the idea and there’s a lot of testimonials out there. The idea is that binding helps your uterus return to its normal size more quickly and can help with cramping and splinting c-section incisions. Debating trying the Bengkung binder from an etsy shop. There’s also some Velcro options that look temptingly easy on Amazon that I’d love to compare. We shall see!
OPTIONAL Toys
No, you didn’t miss the “mandatory” section for this topic- there isn’t one! Babies are experiencing a whole new world and really don’t “need” any specific toys. I remember my sister telling me that even with all the gifts their first child got, her favorite was a wooden kitchen spoon. Really? Yep. So in reality, this whole section is optional, and really based on Amazon reviews. I’d also say the current trend in eco-conscientious communities is towards toys that inspire the child to actively play, imagine and create (think blocks, tools, scarfs, etc,) rather than observe passively (think batteries, sounds, shows.)
Black and white books
They’re mesmerizing to babies with two I bookmarked: the animal book and the bug book. Magic peace and quiet… really more for me than them.
Story books*
Pick ones YOU enjoy. You’ll be reading them a lot throughout pregnancy and childhood. I still recall Paul Goble books on Native American legends and stories from my childhood with love and warmth, as well as now appreciating the gorgeous illustrations. I also found this awesome Some Bugs book that appeal to any active imagination- fun illustrations from a bug’s view! I’m also planning on reading my own chapter books out loud. I enjoy them and I figure it’s more about the voice for an infant anyway.
Great for teethers, biodegradable, last forever and don’t look garish in your living room! Maybe you have someone in your family who could DIY them? If not, how about these?
What are the * and ** through the article?
The asterisks denote items that you can find second-hand. Some easier “*” and some harder “**” Thrift, consignment, garage sales items: PLEASE DO! You can get amazing deals on some of these things. I remember being shocked and a little overwhelmed the first time I walked into a specialty kids consignment store by the vast selection of baby, maternity and kids items (and honey, I grew up getting all my “new” clothes from Goodwill.) Just clean or wash items and save that dough! Also, keep in mind the stores you like, because chances are you‘ll be back there in the next few years toting in your used items for a quote.
*You can get GREAT deals on these items used! It’s a great way to save lots of money and also save the environment.
**These are a little harder to find good quality or prices but certainly do-able if you keep your eyes peeled.
All in all, your life, baby, and family can be very different from the next person’s and that’s totally ok. While I tried to make this list as short and useful as possible, I can’t help but write from my perspective. Really consider your situation and make adjustments as needed without feeling guilty for having “too much” (oh that’s not minimalist) or having “too little” (don’t you value your baby?) Do what is best for your family and your situation- it is yours after all. We can do this.
This post is a simple flow plan I used to consider if, when, and how to add children to our family.
My husband and I decided that having a baby was something we wanted to do in our lifetime. Once we decided on that it was all down to logistics in my mind. We had something we needed to do, thus, we had to figure out how to get it done. And no, I don’t mean the birds and the bees. I meant we needed to figure out the logical steps and parameters for fulfilling this goal. It’s not a very romantic way to decide to have a baby, but it is what it is. I like logical.
Initially I looked at timeline based on our relationship. I love my husband, he is my best friend. I had to decide if I wanted to share him, and also place the strain of caring for and raising another human on our relationship. After discussion, prayer and advice, we decided we felt we were a strong team and would tackle this challenge together. We decided that we would do a lot of prep, get counsel and set rules as we entered this new phase of life to make our relationship a priority. We have seen a lot of weird marriages and many fall apart after kids left the house, so we also decided that our personal priorities would be God, spouse, children, family, and work, in that order. Our goal was never to choose child over spouse. It was important to us to know each other’s priorities going in. It may sound odd, but it’s what we chose.
Are you strong in your relationship together? Best friends?
Are you ok sharing your spouse and your time with another human? Do you work well together?
Timeline based on fertility and health concerns was another factor. I knew that for women, pregnancies in your 30s were broadly considered “higher-risk.” For men, age does’t play as big a factor, medically speaking. Since we were both in our late twenties, the ideal time would be soon. That isn’t to say if you’re in your 30s or 40s you’ve missed it- No way! It’s just a factor to be aware of. Not better or worse, just different. But once I have a goal I like to research the heck out of it and then get it done. So, let’s get a baby done.
Are you both reasonably healthy? (Meaning, can one of you be a caregiver for a while as the other goes though the challenges of pregnancy, birth and recovery?)
Get advice from your MD on your health and risk factors. Consider your family history too. (Miscarriages in the family? Possibility of twins? Congenital diseases? Rh factor, if it is not first pregnancy?)
Next, I considered our financial timeline. I must admit my husband and father-in-law really crunched the numbers. In this process please remember to consider both the future you want (and probably picture) and compare it CLOSELY to what you can afford. I imagine it like those “spot the differences” pictures you look at as a child. Often they are quite different. Don’t let that discourage you. Just try to see reality for this step. We decided that though I would need to continue working part-time, it was do-able within the next year and we could continue saving money (albeit, much less.)
Can you afford a baby? There’s a lot of great calculators out there for free if you don’t know where to start. We used BabyCenter since we really didn’t know a lot of the details initially.)
Can you afford delivery? I actually called the health insurance I would have when I delivered (remember, nine months is a long time and may go into the next year!) and asked them a lot of questions about delivery, normal costs, costs if and I/the baby/both had to stay in the hospital longer and if they covered a breast pump (and which one!) I also checked the hospital’s website to see if they carried that pump!
Can you live in the reality of what your life will look like? (Not what you wish it would be.)
Lastly, we needed to decide if we had the lifestyle that allowed it realistically. We were both out of school (praise the Lord!) and had few hobbies. We were both working full-time, but in America, that means 40 hours a week and with all our modern conveniences, we really had a fair amount of free time. Having a baby meant that there would be no more spontaneous trips, nights spend in TV murder mystery marathons or going out wherever and whenever we wanted- we were going to have a baby to take care of and plan around. Lots of big lifestyle changes for us. If we both continued full time, we would need to schedule out where the baby would be, with who, and when. Ideally, one of us would move to a part-time, but we planned for that and for the possibility both continuing full-time. My husband works 6 days a week but has flexible hours and could take a child to his workplace occasionally. My work does not allow for a child present and is 12+ hours a day, but only 3 days a week. Based on that, we decided on 3 of my days off I would care for the child, the other 3 days he would, and we would consider daycare for the additional day. Overlapping time would fall to both of us. We had to plan our work time and our home time now. Let me camp out here for a minute to emphasize that it is REALLY important to talk with your spouse about division of labor in specifics. In my life, most conflict and disappointment can be traced directly to unmet expectations- whether they were spoken or not. (Anyone else have unmet expectations about who is doing the dishes?) It was a little shocking when my husband really contemplated that he would be left completely alone with a baby for 13 hours a day.
Are you both honestly prepared to share new and sometimes really gross duties? A good gauge of this would be to ask- “Could you fill-in-the-blank*right now if you needed to?” If the answer is no, that’s ok, but you need to either: appoint specific time to learn how or trade tasks with your spouse for something else. (*change a diaper/clean spit-up/bottle feed/suck out snot/put to sleep/wipe butts/make a snack/spend a day with/take a rectal temperature.)
Who is better at what? If you haven’t already split chores in the house, make a list and pick the ones that your enjoy most, then divide evenly the ones that neither of you want.
Once you’ve sorted out these parameters you really have a clear path. Be aware this process may bring out conflicting assumptions and expectations between you and your spouse. Even within yourself. As a consequence of evaluating our finance and lifestyle parameters, I found that being able to stay home was more important to me than a house with our own yard. That was a tough moment, comparing my wants (and pictured future) with reality. But it was freeing too. I could stop wondering what we might cut to afford it, how we could earn more, haggle a price down and wonder how much was really our financial limit if this or if that. I had a hard number, few choices, less “what ifs” and more peace.
Additionally: talk about what your biggest fears and worries are. Turns out your both probably excited and freaked out at the same time. My husband is absolutely amazing and he was actually worried about being a bad dad! I was really surprised because he is so much more patient and wise than I am, so I thought he would be serenely confident. But since we had this conversation, I understood him better and was able to encourage and support him and he did the same for me.
I was also able to let go of some guilt I had about wanting to stay home. I decided to ask my husband without reservation or pressure whether he would like to be the one to stay home if we had the option. I was sure he’d say yes. I badly wanted to stay home if at all possible- in my mind: who wouldn’t?! But he explained to me that although he really looked forward to children, No way, would he like to be a stay-at-home dad. He even admitted to feeling some guilt for not wanting to! Ha! So here’s me wanting to stay home, but feeling bad for it, and him, wanting to keep working, and feeling bad for it! Goodness, I’m glad we cleared that up.
Best of luck as you consider your future- it is full of possibilities! We can do this.
This post is a simple flow plan I used to consider if, when, and how to add children to our family.