In 2012 I was exposed to minimalism for the first time. I considered myself as “pursing minimalism.” I would give myself the title of minimalist- too grand and great for me! But I aspired to it.
But 10 years later, as I sat in my home with toys strewn on floor and dishes piling up, and frankly: clutter, I couldn’t help but feel like a failure. Where did I go wrong? I read Marie Kondo, Fumio Sasaki, and more, I’d purged over 2,000 things within my 6 months of pursing minimalism… I wrote for a minimalist blog! What happened?
Maybe you have felt this way too- you’ve done the work but haven’t been able to achieve the social media perfection you were all but promised.
Well, I have good news: you’re not a failure. You are dynamic.
Dynamic means there’s always growth, change, evolution. There’s new seasons to life, new jobs, people, world events (I’m looking at you 2020), life events, attitudes, losses and gains.
IF you NEVER changed, you could probably achieve and keep you aesthetic triumph effortlessly, without the need to reassess. But you are not static, and the world around you isn’t either, so you must shift with the ebb and flow of life.
Example:
We didn’t have kids. I never had to curate a toy collection. Then we had a kid. So, it kinda caught me off guard when I became overwhelmed with toys everywhere! And I had even rejected and returned a LOT of toys we had received. Well, now we have a kid, so we have toys, so guess what? I gotta readjust.
Another:
2020 shut down our gym. My husband is energized by exercise. We purchased gym equipment. Some we used, some just gathered dust. I could mourn over mistakes. Or I could just say “Ah, lesson learned!” and move forward.
If I wasn’t dynamic, I won’t have encountered these problems. But I also wouldn’t have ALL the AMAZING things that come from a dynamic life.
So, rather than being ashamed that I need to declutter again or my life has changed and gotten messy in new ways, I decided to re-evaluate what we needed and needed to do to make our lives function simply and easily. Again. And NOT to view it as a failure. Success! My life is growing! I have opportunity to clear out the old and make way for the new! Like a tree sheds it’s leaves in winter, I’m letting old things go, and making way for the new to come. Those old things weren’t a mistake (ok, maybe a few were,) just like a tree’s new leaves each year aren’t a mistake. They were appropriate for that season. Now they aren’t. Simple!
Once I accepted the need for change without shame, I was able to see what needed to be done clearly and got to it! Now, I’m so pleased and thankful for the new flow we have and I’m not afraid to tweak it as needed!
Plus, I’m not afraid to say “yep, I got in some bad habits.” Im happy to refresh my non-consumer habits and humbly revisit some wonderful resources to learn and relearn!
Don’t be ashamed to do things over again, you dynamic being.
After writing my article: Baby Prep: Must Have List, I wanted to specifically address the number of things that we will not be getting, since I found “Not Needed” lists almost as helpful as the “Must-have” lists.
Let me preface this with stating these are items that my husband and I deemed unnecessary for us. Your life may require something completely different! And guys, that is totally ok. We shouldn’t feel ashamed for making choices that are based on what is best for our families or situations. We’re also giving ourselves the grace to change our minds, since life is full of surprises and re-evaluation is a valuable tool. That said: list time!
Baby shoes
No. You can barely keep socks on those wigglers, why would you need shoes? If you think about shoe’s function (protecting your feet walking) it really doesn’t make sense till they’re…WALKING. Even then, they really have to be walking independently, rather than being supported by you since that usually happens in a padded or controlled environment. Unless they’re learning to walk on a gravel road? Pass these by and get something useful instead.
Short Baby Socks, Leg Warmers or Knee pads
I’m opting for long baby sock that will serve as leg warmers, knee pads, subtle pants, mittens and socks.
Baby Mittens
I’m getting some long socks and nail clippers. I don’t want this extra laundry.
Baby Headbands and Bows
These are mostly for girls but I wouldn’t get them for either sex. I don’t wear headbands generally myself since they give me headaches and I don’t really want to coordinate accessories for someone else. Less, often equals simpler for me. If we do have a girl, she can pick out her own when she’s older if she wants.
Winter clothes
We live in South Florida, so the coldest it gets here depends on your AC unit. This means we can eliminate jackets, snow pants, boots and all but one or two hats (hospital hats will work for us for the short time our newborn will need them.)
Fancy outfits
Man, I can barely keep my “fancy” clothes looking fresh and I’m a full grown adult. Why would I think a fluid machine like a babe would be able to?
Baby hangers
No outfits that can wrinkle easily will last long in our home anyway. And since I don’t plan on fancy outfits there’s two items less in one go! If you do want some outfits that should be hung, grab a few of your own hangers. They’ll work.
Car seat Cover
A blanket or swaddler will serve.
Burp cloths
I have kitchen towels, cloth napkins and swaddlers. For now, I really don’t want to have to deal with another piece of fabric to wash.
Breastfeeding cover
Guess what? A swaddler will serve! Just tie two corners, loop over your head and voila! Saved $20.
Baby food blender
Have you guys seen the Baby Bullet? I saw it and thought, “Cool, cool, I could save dough making my own baby food and cut out a ton of preservatives! But what is the difference between this and my magic bullet?” The answer? The Baby Bullet has less power. Yep. So if you have some kind of blender or food processor and you like it, utilize your current resources and pass on this.
Baby washcloths
If you have washcloths, those are fine. I doubt your baby will notice the difference.
Hooded towels
You’ve got regular towels that work from years 1 to 110. These just aren’t needed.
Side note: Guys, what is with all the extra fabric items? Noticing a trend here!
Shopping cart covers
I can either babywear, use a carseat or wipe the cart down. It just doesn’t appeal to me to have to set up a fabric cover when I got plenty of other things to occupy my time and energy.
Special baby shampoo, conditioner, body wash or lotion
Unless your baby has exhibited sensitivity, you don’t need to invest in these. I would say to go for something simple and natural but it doesn’t need to be name brand. We use Dr. Bronners unscented soap in our daily life anyway and fair trade shea butter. As for the shampoo? The soap will work for that too. Any hair shorter than 3 inches is getting moisturizing oils from the scalp anyway (how many short haired guys you know use conditioner?) Soap is good enough.
Crib and everything that goes with
We’re not getting a crib. You can see my article and rationale here. This means that we don’t need to get sheets, curtains, bumpers, blankets, crib ruffle and mobile. Talk about a money and space saver!
Changing station
When I say “Changing Station” I mean a piece of furniture dedicated only to changing a baby’s diaper on and the accoutrements. All you really need is a hard flat surface and a cover (sometimes not even that!) Floor and swaddle? Table and kitchen towel? Couch and prayer? Good enough.
Side note: I am prepping a couple “changing bags” to have stashed by where our baby will sleep and the main living area. Our place isn’t big so we could probably pass on this but I don’t want to have to search for anything further than arm’s length for those midnight changes.
Changing Mattress and covers
See above.
Diaper pail and diaper genie
We will be cloth diapering and using a large wet bag instead, which can be hung on a door handle or toted around.
Wipe warmer
I’ve read a lot of reviews on this and 9 out of 10 say its just not worth the effort, isn’t nearby when they need it or wipes just get dried out. One or two said that it was a lifesaver for midnight diaper changes. Just seems like something else to maintain to me, and we will be using cloth wipes and straight up water from the tap, so I’ll just let the water warm up if I need a warm wipe.
Humidifier/ Air filter
Again, we live in Florida so humidity is not in short supply. We also have house plants that are known air purifiers which I think is much prettier and renewable resource!
Diaper bag
We’re going to use backpack. A normal backpack. I like the idea of a backpack because it leaves us hands free and is more inherently unisex for my husband and I to share. Diaper bags can work well, but why not get a nice bag or backpack that you (or your child) could use when your child is 12 years old? Or maybe instead of a bag that clearly says “mom” on it, get one that you or your husband could use for business or travel later on.
Side note: My husband is currently in charge of getting a backpack so I have no idea what the bag will be, but I know he’ll like it, which is the main thing for me (I really don’t want to carry it!) Will update once I find out what it is.
Unitaskers
I first heard this phrase in the latter half of one of my favorite podcasts of all time, Simple Life Together and you can hear this specific episode here. These refer to any devices that only do one thing (sometimes they don’t do that one thing very well either.) Examples include the egg peeler, tomato saver, or banana slicer. In baby things these include the diaper cream applicator, baby mittens, burp cloths, etc. These items are for a specific task, short phase, and don’t transfer well to other tasks or phases. When purchasing just ask yourself a few questions: Is it worth the investment? Is there an alternative that you already have, will last longer or work better, even though it doesn’t say “baby,” “diaper” or “infant” in the product name?
Whew! Imagine how much space, time and money would be wasted if we purchased all of the above! This list of Must Not Haves could grow daily with all the products that companies come up with to sell to new and current parents. What baby purchases would you say “pass” on? Any unitaskers you guys have seen? Please comment below, I love to hear! So, instead of comparing yourself with people who have the most (HGTV), try comparing with those who have to least (think huts) to get a perspective on what is really needed for this new phase and factor in your current lifestyle for a good starting place. We can do this.
This post is a simple flow plan I used to consider if, when, and how to add children to our family.
My husband and I decided that having a baby was something we wanted to do in our lifetime. Once we decided on that it was all down to logistics in my mind. We had something we needed to do, thus, we had to figure out how to get it done. And no, I don’t mean the birds and the bees. I meant we needed to figure out the logical steps and parameters for fulfilling this goal. It’s not a very romantic way to decide to have a baby, but it is what it is. I like logical.
Initially I looked at timeline based on our relationship. I love my husband, he is my best friend. I had to decide if I wanted to share him, and also place the strain of caring for and raising another human on our relationship. After discussion, prayer and advice, we decided we felt we were a strong team and would tackle this challenge together. We decided that we would do a lot of prep, get counsel and set rules as we entered this new phase of life to make our relationship a priority. We have seen a lot of weird marriages and many fall apart after kids left the house, so we also decided that our personal priorities would be God, spouse, children, family, and work, in that order. Our goal was never to choose child over spouse. It was important to us to know each other’s priorities going in. It may sound odd, but it’s what we chose.
Are you strong in your relationship together? Best friends?
Are you ok sharing your spouse and your time with another human? Do you work well together?
Timeline based on fertility and health concerns was another factor. I knew that for women, pregnancies in your 30s were broadly considered “higher-risk.” For men, age does’t play as big a factor, medically speaking. Since we were both in our late twenties, the ideal time would be soon. That isn’t to say if you’re in your 30s or 40s you’ve missed it- No way! It’s just a factor to be aware of. Not better or worse, just different. But once I have a goal I like to research the heck out of it and then get it done. So, let’s get a baby done.
Are you both reasonably healthy? (Meaning, can one of you be a caregiver for a while as the other goes though the challenges of pregnancy, birth and recovery?)
Get advice from your MD on your health and risk factors. Consider your family history too. (Miscarriages in the family? Possibility of twins? Congenital diseases? Rh factor, if it is not first pregnancy?)
Next, I considered our financial timeline. I must admit my husband and father-in-law really crunched the numbers. In this process please remember to consider both the future you want (and probably picture) and compare it CLOSELY to what you can afford. I imagine it like those “spot the differences” pictures you look at as a child. Often they are quite different. Don’t let that discourage you. Just try to see reality for this step. We decided that though I would need to continue working part-time, it was do-able within the next year and we could continue saving money (albeit, much less.)
Can you afford a baby? There’s a lot of great calculators out there for free if you don’t know where to start. We used BabyCenter since we really didn’t know a lot of the details initially.)
Can you afford delivery? I actually called the health insurance I would have when I delivered (remember, nine months is a long time and may go into the next year!) and asked them a lot of questions about delivery, normal costs, costs if and I/the baby/both had to stay in the hospital longer and if they covered a breast pump (and which one!) I also checked the hospital’s website to see if they carried that pump!
Can you live in the reality of what your life will look like? (Not what you wish it would be.)
Lastly, we needed to decide if we had the lifestyle that allowed it realistically. We were both out of school (praise the Lord!) and had few hobbies. We were both working full-time, but in America, that means 40 hours a week and with all our modern conveniences, we really had a fair amount of free time. Having a baby meant that there would be no more spontaneous trips, nights spend in TV murder mystery marathons or going out wherever and whenever we wanted- we were going to have a baby to take care of and plan around. Lots of big lifestyle changes for us. If we both continued full time, we would need to schedule out where the baby would be, with who, and when. Ideally, one of us would move to a part-time, but we planned for that and for the possibility both continuing full-time. My husband works 6 days a week but has flexible hours and could take a child to his workplace occasionally. My work does not allow for a child present and is 12+ hours a day, but only 3 days a week. Based on that, we decided on 3 of my days off I would care for the child, the other 3 days he would, and we would consider daycare for the additional day. Overlapping time would fall to both of us. We had to plan our work time and our home time now. Let me camp out here for a minute to emphasize that it is REALLY important to talk with your spouse about division of labor in specifics. In my life, most conflict and disappointment can be traced directly to unmet expectations- whether they were spoken or not. (Anyone else have unmet expectations about who is doing the dishes?) It was a little shocking when my husband really contemplated that he would be left completely alone with a baby for 13 hours a day.
Are you both honestly prepared to share new and sometimes really gross duties? A good gauge of this would be to ask- “Could you fill-in-the-blank*right now if you needed to?” If the answer is no, that’s ok, but you need to either: appoint specific time to learn how or trade tasks with your spouse for something else. (*change a diaper/clean spit-up/bottle feed/suck out snot/put to sleep/wipe butts/make a snack/spend a day with/take a rectal temperature.)
Who is better at what? If you haven’t already split chores in the house, make a list and pick the ones that your enjoy most, then divide evenly the ones that neither of you want.
Once you’ve sorted out these parameters you really have a clear path. Be aware this process may bring out conflicting assumptions and expectations between you and your spouse. Even within yourself. As a consequence of evaluating our finance and lifestyle parameters, I found that being able to stay home was more important to me than a house with our own yard. That was a tough moment, comparing my wants (and pictured future) with reality. But it was freeing too. I could stop wondering what we might cut to afford it, how we could earn more, haggle a price down and wonder how much was really our financial limit if this or if that. I had a hard number, few choices, less “what ifs” and more peace.
Additionally: talk about what your biggest fears and worries are. Turns out your both probably excited and freaked out at the same time. My husband is absolutely amazing and he was actually worried about being a bad dad! I was really surprised because he is so much more patient and wise than I am, so I thought he would be serenely confident. But since we had this conversation, I understood him better and was able to encourage and support him and he did the same for me.
I was also able to let go of some guilt I had about wanting to stay home. I decided to ask my husband without reservation or pressure whether he would like to be the one to stay home if we had the option. I was sure he’d say yes. I badly wanted to stay home if at all possible- in my mind: who wouldn’t?! But he explained to me that although he really looked forward to children, No way, would he like to be a stay-at-home dad. He even admitted to feeling some guilt for not wanting to! Ha! So here’s me wanting to stay home, but feeling bad for it, and him, wanting to keep working, and feeling bad for it! Goodness, I’m glad we cleared that up.
Best of luck as you consider your future- it is full of possibilities! We can do this.
This post is a simple flow plan I used to consider if, when, and how to add children to our family.